My Life Through My Thoughts

The First 3 Days are the Hardest

2012-01-03T22:23:00.000-06:00

I remember from last time. And the time before that. The first 3 days are the hardest.

You're hungry.
You're sore.
You feel so embarrassed because you're so fat. And you've let yourself "go". Again. And this time, it's again.

Here I am. Again. Round 3.

I did it in 2009 after Michael was born. Lost about 30lbs from what I remember. Gained it all back over the course of 2010 and then some. Stood at a whopping 235lbs by the end of last year. I was at my bottom--the lowest of the low. I've never felt worse about myself physically or emotionally in all my life.

Lost 49lbs in 2011, getting down to 186lbs. (Why I couldn't just make it an even 50, I have no idea. Is one more pound too much to ask??)

Here I am again. I gained some of the 49 back. 23lbs in 4 months. Wow. I really know how to pack it back on and fast, don't I??

Here I am. Again. Round 3. For the third time, I'm going to lose weight. I weight 209lbs according to my scale this morning. Let's get back to 185 ASAP.

I lose an average of 10lbs/month. Looking at that average, I can be 185 by the middle of March.

Ok, so let's make it an even number. 30lbs in 3 months. When I'm focused, I can do it. I want to weigh 180 by the end of March. But then I have to keep going from there. I can't stop like I always do.

Next big event after that? Lia Sophia conference toward the end of June. Another 3 months. I also know it gets harder to lose weight the smaller you get. So in another 3 months, I think I could lose another 20lbs. So let's make the goal 160lbs by the end of June. So in 6 months, I will lose 50lbs.

All the ladies that I've seen in the pictures at conference are so cute and they wear dresses. I want to wear a dress to conference. When I was in the 180's, I was trying on dresses and thinking to myself, "I have to lose a little bit more weight, but I'm getting closer." So maybe I'll be ready for a dress at 160.

I hope my legs will look better at 160.

From there, the sky's the limit. Maybe it's just maintenance. Maybe I can keep going. Maybe I will finally be there and it just took me 4 years.

30lbs in 3 months. By the end of March.
Another 20lbs by the end of June.
50lbs total. I just did that. I know I can do it again.
The goal: 160lbs.

15lbs and Counting

2011-03-06T22:21:00.000-06:00

In the middle of January, I was still in the middle of convincing myself that I needed to lose weight. I told myself that I was "monitoring" my food intake and learning about my eating habits. Which I was, of course. But I wasn't ready to catapult myself back into this thing called weight loss. Especially when I was still so angry at myself for losing 40lbs in 2009 and gaining it all back in 2010.

It was a Tuesday morning. I dropped my kids off at school and was halfway to work when I decided to call my friend Sasha to help the time pass. We got into the weight loss discussion right away, and while talking, I realized out loud that 40lbs only takes 4 months to lose. 10lbs a month. And to be like Jennifer Hudson, and lose 80lbs, that would only take 8 months. Not that bad. All you have to do is decide.

Decide right then and there that I was going to be skinny. That I was going to commit to stop overeating. That I was going to commit to exercise. That I was going to commit to a goal of 80lbs, not 40lbs. And this time I was going to do it.

It was the middle of January. By the middle of May, I could be right back where I was in 2009, 40lbs lighter. When I felt good. When I fit into those brand new size 14 Gap jeans. By May, I could be in those jeans again. Feeling good on my planned girls night out on Michigan Avenue.

And by the beginning of fall, I could be pretty darn close to my goal of losing 80lbs. That means that if we are actually able to go to Disney World in September, I could be where I want to be weight-wise, having the time of my life with my family without anything weighing me down.

So that day, right then and there on the phone, I decided. (So did Sasha by the way.) In a 10 minute phone call, the decision fell off the tree like an apple and hit me on the head. I woke up and realized that I had the ability and mindset to do this again. And I wanted it immediately.

SO...I am very happy to announce that as of this past Friday, I am 15lbs lighter! Whoo woot!

And quite honestly, this sounds so cliche, but it was easy! For me, the hardest part is starting. It is SO hard to start. But I started. I joined a gym, and that this time around has been my saving grace. Whenever I don't want to work out, I go anyway, and everyone around me gives me the energy. They all have such energetic active lifestyles, and I see how healthy that is, and I want it for myself.

I also know that I never again want to get to the point where I purely HATE myself. Cause I did. I hated myself. At the end of 2010 when I finally faced the inevitable--that I had put all my ugly weight back on, and I felt physically, emotionally, and mentally disgusting, I hated myself. I was down in the dumps of depression for about 8 weeks straight and it freaked me out. I am never depressed more than an evening or so. (PMS or lack of sleep) But this just totally freaked me out. I never want to go back to that kind of a low.

So now, when I want to eat even when I'm not hungry, most of the time, I can keep my eye on the goal and choose not eat purely because I don't want to hate myself ever again.

I also don't want to love myself again. I was so proud of myself for losing 40lbs in 2009 that I got a big head. I was getting egotistical and very selfish. And I was only halfway to my goal! Who gets halfway to the finish line, and stops to celebrate?!?! It turned into an intense shopping problem. I actually realized later that I also eventually hated myself for that too. I learned that I can't be a person who does this weight loss purely for herself. I need to do it for my family.

This time around, I am motivated by 3 things:

1. I don't want to hate myself ever again.
2. I want to be a thin mom. I have a vision of going to my kids' games and being thin. I never want my children to be embarrassed of me for my weight.
3. Little by little, I am being motivated by my husband. When I lost my first 40lbs, I don't remember him noticing me at all. But this time around, he's noticing. And he's telling me that he likes it. That's nice to hear. It makes me not want to cheat on my diet. It makes me want to push my exercise to the next level. And it brings me closer to him. It's amazing how working out is literally helping my marriage. I'm so thankful for that. I am really hoping it continues to do that. I love my husband and would love some new life and freshness in my marriage. It would do both of us well.

And last but not least, not that this is a true goal of mine, but seriously, what if I actually made it to my goal of losing 80lbs??? WHAT IF??? Does that mean, (gasp) I did it?! I made it? I hit a really big hard goal and stayed??

I'm sorry, but that would just rock to actually have made it. I think I would shock everyone. Especially my family members. Maybe going through a prior weight loss will help in the long run. I know now that you have to keep weight off by dieting and exercising. That's what all the trim and lean sales reps around me at work do. They continue to do it. And I will have to as well.

So, I will continue to report back in on my weight loss. In the meantime, if you don't hear from me, just know that it's because I'm working very hard working out and doing whatever I can to get my family back to Disney World in September. Man, do I miss that place.

Day 2 at the Gym

2011-02-09T22:43:00.000-06:00

I'm going to be honest. Even though I had a nice time at the gym yesterday, I had no interest in going today. I just wanted to lay on the couch and catch up on Oprah.

But I knew if I didn't go, I'd hate myself for a super long time and give up on working out for the rest of the year because I was a FAIL-URE.

So I had to go.

I thought that if I went with a bad attitude like this, then the workout was probably going to be a waste. Like my body knew that I was being a bad attitude girl, and it would allow the workout to affect me.

BUT...

It just so happened that my iPod was being very helpful to me today and all this fantabulous music was playing. Man, did I go nuts on that elliptical! Wow! I was jammin out like crazy!

I upped my minutes today to 25 minutes since 20 minutes didn't make me hurt yesterday. May as well go up until it hurts, right? And then I walked another mile on the track. It felt good. Again. And I was glad I went.

And I also decided that I looked like a MORON in my too tight men's tshirt and too short yoga pants with white scrunch socks showing through the bottom.

Screw buying new workout clothes right now though! For what? To have them shrink up short on me again? No.

My new goal is to get thin enough to fit into REAL women's workout clothes. You know the sports bra and tight leggings or short shorts? The stuff I couldn't wear unless I REALLY lost weight.

Yeah, that would be nice. I'd feel like a lady. It would be nice to feel like a lady again. Even when I work out.

In the meantime, I hope everyone at the gym finds me, at the very least, HUMOROUS when they whiz by me running on the track, and my too-short pants flap in their wind.

Fattie Walkin the Track

2011-02-08T23:01:00.001-06:00

I went.

I finally went to the RecPlex. It was 8:50 at night and the rest of my family was asleep. But I needed to go and try it out. I loaded up my iPod, packed my new Adidas gym bag, filled up my tin water bottle with ice and water, and pulled out of my garage in my salty minivan in chilling 4 degree weather.

When I arrived, I asked the people at the front desk, "Is this how you do it? You just scan it in like this?" holding my card with a barcode up.

The guy at the front desk recognized me from signing up. "Hey! You made it!"

"Yes!" I replied with a smile. I moved my shoulders up and down in excitement. I was here. And I was going to check this place out.

I went into the ladies locker room. Unloaded my stuff. Got my iPod plugs into my ears. Grabbed my water bottle, took a sip. Grabbed my towel and slung it around my neck.

I was ready.

I decided to loosen up first. I walked around the walking track twice. Teenage girls were playing volleyball in the gym below. It brought back memories of high school volleyball. Always moving my feet while anticipating that ball coming over the net headed straight for me. Man I wish my thighs were as thin as these girls. I wonder how big they were back in high school?

Random guys were playing basketball. Was that one of our sales managers from work? No. Just some guy who looks like him.

People passed me running on the track. One of them was a girl with muscular tan legs who ran on her toes kinda weird like. Another was a couple who was jogging together. Another was a buff little Mexican teenager who wore his hat over his ears for some reason.

After 2 laps, I felt I was warmed up enough. I exited the gym and went to the fitness center. Stretched out on a mat in the corner for a few minutes. Thought to myself that I should start doing yoga again in the mornings to get a real stretch session in. After doing yoga, I knew this kind of stretching didn't do too much for the human body.

Then I hopped on the elliptical. 20 minutes. 5 forward. 5 back. Repeated again. 2 minute cool down. For some reason my feet always burn on the elliptical. I don't know why that is. They get like really hot. It's weird. But it felt good to be on there. Knowing that one day I'd be doing 60 minutes. And counting the calories burned. And I'd see a thinner reflection staring back at me from the window. Not a fat mom who fills out a man's size L t-shirt in the arms and chest.

Janet Jackson and other upbeat music played on my iPod. I kinda danced a little since nobody was around. It felt good. I pretended I was dancing instead of doing the same repetitive motion over and over again. Mindlessly. Liberal news played on the TV overhead. Only the commercials held my interest.

Afterwards, I cooled down by doing 4 laps around the gym, since a total of 6 makes a mile. By now, only one teenager was left shooting hoops. And the volleyball girls were finished and making their way out of the gym. They had loose pants on over their short volleyball shorts and big baggy sweatshirts with headbands wrapped around their heads. Their young male coaches were standing there talking to them. I wondered to myself if the one guy had a crush on any of them or enjoyed being around them for the attention.

After my 4 laps were done, it was 9:54. I grabbed my sweatshirt, my water bottle, and iPod, and headed downstairs to the locker room. The lockers had holes in them, so I could see which one was mine right away. My pink winter scarf popped out behind those dark holes. I walked right up and undid my lock with my old high school locker combination. Proud that I still remembered it, I unhooked it from my locker, threw it in my bag and grabbed my keys.

I walked out back into the subzero freezing temperatures raising my collar and wrapping my scarf around the back of my neck an additional time. Remote started my car and briskly walked towards it. Got in and turned on the heated seats right away. Pulling away, I had this thought: Over the summer, it's going to feel good pulling away from this place on a hot night. Windows rolled down. Music blaring. And feeling even lighter. I will be on top of the world. In my minivan.

Today, I completed my first workout ever in 2011. I have lost 7 pounds so far in the last 3 weeks by eating less. Maybe this will help me lose even more. I liked it. It was good for me. And I want to go again.

Cute purse, and other happenings...like a BLIZZARD

2011-02-02T15:18:00.002-06:00

The past 6 weeks, I feel like I've been stuck inside. I have been stuck inside.

I asked for 2 weeks off around the holidays. And the first 2 weeks were amazing. I purposely did nothing. I rested. I needed to rest. It had been a long time. And the holidays were good.

Then I took off the next two weeks for Autumn's surgery. She had her tonsils and adenoids removed.

I needed to be there for her while she healed and got better.

I knew that taking care of her would be hard. I still had to work from home, and I had both kids home with me, so it was hard. I feel like all the kids did was watch a trillion movies.

I was so sick of looking at the inside walls of my house. I was ready to go back to work.

Finally it was time for the kids to go back to school and me to go back to work.

Michael went to his first day of school EVER.

My big boy finally turned 2.

But after only one week of school, Michael came home sick with the flu--the kind that knocks you out and makes you feel like you have the nastiest cold ever with body aches and headaches and everything.

I caught the flu too. So did Autumn. So then we had to stay home for another week together.

It was hard to find the energy to wipe noses and make lunches when all I wanted to do was curl up watching a movie and falling asleep.

I told myself this past weekend that this week would be better. We'd start feeling better, and I'd get back to work and out of the house. Then Matt went on a work trip over the weekend. Which meant I was stuck at home with the kids by myself even longer.

I was still sick and SO tired. I needed a break.

I called up my parents and asked them to take the kids. Then I called up my girlfriend and asked her to meet me for dinner.

Before I met my friend for dinner, I had some time to kill, so I went shopping. In less than 10 minutes, I had found a new fabulous purse.

Isn't it cute? It was marked down from $85 to $39.95 at DSW. The leather is sooo buttery soft and the ruffles are so cute sticking out the sides. I was in desperate need of a new purse, but I am so picky, so I thought I'd never find one. But when I saw this one, I knew it was perfect. I love it. And it's big enough to hold diapers, wipes, snacks, and sippy cups. Oh, and a wallet and sunglasses too.

I headed back to work this week for 2 days. But then this morning, I opened up my front door and saw this.

A blizzard with snow drifts that are over my head.

I can barely see my neighbor's houses.

It's just craziness. Pure craziness. Can't go to work. Again.

I was taking all these pictures this morning. So Michael grabbed his camera and started to copy me. He wanted to take pictures too. Here he is in my bedroom on the second floor of my house looking down.

These are the snow drifts in front of my neighbors' garages. Good luck getting out of that one, buddy!

The good news is, the new Lia Sophia catalog came out yesterday. Isn't the bracelet and necklace on the front cover to die for? I cannot wait to order. They make her look so rich and luxurious. I am SO getting them. I really want to buy this, this, this, and this. So excited.

At least I have something to look forward to. I'm tired of the dry skin weather. I can't wait for spring!

First Day of School and the RecPlex

2011-01-18T21:25:00.005-06:00

Christmas Day 2010

Today was Michael's first day of school. He just turned 2, so I thought he would be ready for it. But when I dropped him off, he screamed and ran out the door and down the long hall. It really caught me off guard. He always seemed to love the school when we'd pick Autumn up every afternoon. He'd walk right into her classroom and immediately start playing with the toys and talking with the teachers. But not today. Today he screamed that he wanted to go home with me. I felt bad.

So when Matt called me at work today and I told him the story, he told me he wanted to be there to pick Michael up. I wanted to be there too, and nuzzle my nose into his tiny neck and tell him I loved him and see how he did on his first day of school. So I left work early and met Matt at home so we could go together.

When we arrived, Michael was playing with some new friends and toys. He saw us right away and ran to the door with a huge smile on his face. He asked me to pick him up. When I tried talking to his teacher to find out how he did, he'd grab my face and pull it to face his. He really wanted me to know something. When I finally gave him my attention, he told me he didn't like his first day of school and that he wanted to go home. I thought that was pretty articulate for a just-turned 2 year old.

We got Autumn from her classroom, who was happy to return to school after a 4-week break for Christmas and a tonsilectomy. She gave me the sweetest smile--one that I don't get to see that often, but I've been seeing for the last 3 days. I'm wondering if her tonsilectomy really has started to give her more sleep and she really is in a better mood.

On our way home, Matt pointed out the RecPlex. I thought it might be good for all of us to go on a "field trip" and see it. Maybe it will be a good place for us to work out. So we parked the car and went in. When we all walked into the lobby, it was covered with people. A little crazy. I talked to the front desk about giving us a tour. While we waited for our tour guide, I looked at Matt and said, "This isn't the place for me, so I'm going to let you ask all the questions."

Throughout the tour, we come to find out that they have a field house with a running/walking track, basketball courts, tennis and racquetball courts, volleyball courts, ice skating, ice hockey, an Olympic sized pool, swimming lessons, an indoor water park with several water slides and toddler pools, a fitness center with all the workout machines and ellipticals you could ever want, classes, and daycare for kids. Holy cow! The place was massive.

So now I'm second-guessing the 80's place by the lake, thinking that it might be beneficial for our whole family to join a sweet place like this. Granted, it's not the "escape" near the beach that I wanted, but we can go swimming on the weekends as a family. Or ice skating. Or give our kids swimming lessons. Or I can take a yoga class. The possibilities are endless!

Let's just say it's got me thinking that it might have been a good idea that I waited to join the 80's fitness club...we'll see what happens!

Why the Hesitation?

2011-01-17T23:45:00.000-06:00

It's weird. There are so many stages of preparation that occur before a Heidi weight loss.

Before Christmas, I told myself, "Get through the holidays as a fatty. Everyone will see you like that. They'll get disgusted. Ignore it. That can be your 'before' shot in their mental picture of you. You can start fresh with the new year in January. When they see you again in the spring, they'll think that you look great. And by the time they see you in the summer, you'll knock their socks off. And then you'll stay like that forever."

Then the holidays came. So after the holidays, I told myself, "Ok, Heidi. You're home for two weeks for Autumn's surgery. Let's get through the rest of your 'vacation' at home and then you can hit it hard when you start back to work in two weeks."

One week into that two weeks, I got disgusted with myself. To the point where I left my house abruptly last Sunday afternoon with a paper in my hand. Scribbled on the paper were 3 phone numbers and addresses of local weight loss options. I told my husband I needed to get out of the house and I was going for a drive. What I was really dealing with was how much I hated myself and how I couldn't stand to hate myself any longer.

I pulled out of my driveway and started with the 2nd address on the list. It was an address in my neighborhood, my subdivision actually. I turned left off of my street, and immediately found the house. It was exactly 1 block away. Must be someone doing personal training out of their home. I called the number and got an answering machine with an old lady's voice saying the Morgans were not going to be home. I scratched that option off my list.

I then went back to #1 on my list. Curves for Women. I didn't exactly want to go to Curves. It's for the more "mature" woman from my understanding. And it's a lot of circuit training. That brought back strange memories of high school gym class for me. I just wasn't sure that's what I was looking for. Besides, it was in the next town over. The next "ghetto" town over. I'm not too excited about making that my home base for the next few months. I drove by. It looked clean. But I didn't feel like getting my plump rear end out of my car to go have a look. I had pre-judged it already. Their blinds were closed. That must mean they don't want new customers.

Before I could even get to #3 on my list, I vaguely remembered my friend Linda from work 4 years ago told me she used to go swim late at night and it was at a place near the lake (Lake Michigan) just down the street from me. So I called her.

She told me where it was. The main street that ran in front of my subdivision dead-ended 10 minutes down the road. The stoplight where it dead-ended had a backroad there that you take and it's all the way down at the lake on your right.

So I drove. The road winded around. I was starting to see prairie grass on either side. And various trees amongst the grasses. (Did I just say amongst? Hmm. It just sounded right.) Even though it was January, there was no snow on the ground. The wind was blowing. The road kept winding. And it felt like I was getting away. Away from my home life. Away from being a tired mother and a frustrated wife. Escaping to the beach. I was in another place.

Finally, I saw a sign for a nature center. And just beyond the sign, a building appeared, and then this wide open beach. It was almost idyllic. The tall grasses lined either side of the sandy beach. Waves were washing up on the shore. There were just a few trees that I imagined taking pictures of with an ocean-like background, maybe when the weather had broken in the spring. And here was this building sitting on the shore. All by itself. With no cars or people around.

I called Linda back. "Linda, where do you go in? This is a fitness club??" She reassured me that it was a resort that had a fitness club inside. Just go inside and take the elevator to the right down to the basement.

So I walked. Hmm. It's not that the place was sketchy. It was nice. Or it was nice. Like, it could have been nice in the late 80's. Flashbacks of old 80's movies where the "rich people" would go and stay were popping into my mind. It was old. It could use some touches here and there. Hmmm.

So I ask for the elevator and a friendly staff person gestures to a steel elevator to her right. I walk in. The tiny elevator takes about 2 minutes to open it's doors after arriving at the basement level. Scary. I walk out. The facilities feel like a hotel fitness club. From the 80's. But the carpeting and the equipment were all updated. They had a newer-looking tanning bed and an 80's-looking sauna. They also had a full Olympic-size trapezoid-shaped pool (hmm) and welcoming hot tub. The locker room lockers were a dusty rose color and I only saw 3 people in the whole facility working out.

Perfect.

This place is perfect! It's like a little getaway for a tired mother who needs to focus on herself. Who needs to leave home at home for a few hours a week and focus on getting healthy and pretending she's working out on a beach in Hawaii at an exotic resort! I was surprised to realize I didn't mind the outdated look. It's a little wacky. But then again, so is this mother. I can find myself in a place that I had something in common with. And the best news of all? They were open to 10 every night, 11 on Fridays and Saturdays. I could put the kids down at night, and then go. No interruption of motherhood required.

I talked to the lady at the fitness counter. They were putting on a special 90 days for $90. The special runs through the end of January. I gotta talk to my husband about this.

So I go home and I tell Matt. He says do it. So I think about it.

He asks me every day for four days if I've signed up for the club yet. No, not yet. I was still thinking about it.

What if I'm too tired at night? What if working out in the morning (at home) is really what would work best for me and I spend the $90 and I make a mistake? What if I get there, and I don't like working out on any equipment and I miss my workout videos at home? What if it makes me too tired to go to work the next day? What if it cuts into time Matt wanted to spend with me and it ruins our marriage?

On and on.

So yesterday I tell Matt that I want him to see it before I make my decision. So today we take a field trip with the kids and we go take a look. Matt gives me a weird look on the winding road, like, "Where is this place??"

Then we get there. "This is it?! It's a hotel."

Then we get inside. Another weird look. "It's not run-down. It's just...old."

So I show him around. The kids want to go swimming right away when they see the pool. So do I. It smelled so good, like warm relaxing chlorine in the midst of a snowy day. I wanted to hop right in.

"Don't you think it would be fun to take the kids here one Sunday afternoon, Babe?" I ask him.

He hesitates, then finally says, "Yeah. You know, I think this place is perfect for you. It's not quite what I think I want, but I think it's perfect for you. You should do it."

"Yeah, but I think I'll do it next week so the 90 days lasts longer till the end of April. Then I can run outside in the spring and stuff. I can find another form of working out."

It felt good to go back today. It was so relaxing to be on that pool deck. I wanted to jump in so bad. I know I'll love it there, but I have this hesitation.

Sometimes, I feel so ready to lose weight. But other times, I find it's hard for me to commit. I'm all or nothing. I don't want to take the plunge unless I'm ready to attempt the scary sacrifices.

I really want to do this club and try to work out and eat healthy. Not only for my physical well-being, but my emotional well-being as well. It would be good for me to get away for a few days a week and "escape" to the beach. Every mother needs her rest. Even if it means she's huffing and puffing during that "rest". I need to do it.

I just hope it works out. No pun intended.

The Miscarriage - Part 3

2011-01-07T06:00:00.001-06:00

The next morning, both my husband and I woke up early in bed. It was still pitch black in our bedroom, yet we knew each other was awake. Thinking.

We talked about our situation for a while, until the light of the morning came.

By that afternoon, we were back in my doctor's office waiting the results of my second blood test. We had to see if the pregnancy hormones were going up or down. If they were going up, I was pregnant. If they were going down, I was miscarrying.

My hope was that they were going down. If they were going up, and I was still pregnant, then Dr. Funkyname would have a lawsuit on her hands. Performing an aspiration would have deformed my baby. That would be a life-changing for our whole family. The baby would need 24 hour attention. I couldn't work. We would need to move. And the baby would need a lot of medical attention. Dr. Funkyname would have to pay for that.

Dr. J walked in. She sat down. And she shared right away that the hormone levels went down. I was relieved.

It finished it for me. This was it. I know now. I have officially had a miscarriage. Nobody else had anything to do with my miscarriage but me. I did this.

We talked some more. And left the office. My husband returned to work and I returned home.

I had a miscarriage.

By that point, I was all cried out. I really haven't cried since my 2 days of weeping when the news first broke. I couldn't cry anymore.

I went home and held my 2 babies. And I told Autumn what happened.

"Autumn, can I tell you something?"

"Um, yeah."

"Mommy has another baby in her tummy."

"You do?!" She looked at me with wide eyes. She loves babies.

"Yeah, but it's very sick and it's going to die, so Mommy is very sad."

"But why doesn't Jesus make it better?"

"Well, I think because He loves the baby so much that He wants the baby to live up in heaven with him."

"Oh. But what's her name?"

Her name? Hmm. I never thought of the baby as a girl. "Autumn, how do you know it's a girl?"

"Because it is, Mom. And her name is Zoe." She calls all of her animals and dolls by the name Zoe.

I found her comment interesting. Because my last baby was a boy, I always thought of this baby as a boy too, but what if it was a sweet and precious little girl??

"So Autumn, now Mommy has 3 babies. You, Michael, and my baby in heaven."

"Three babies, Mom? Am I your baby?"

"Oh yes. You will always be my baby." And I grabbed her and pulled her into my arms, holding her like a baby.

Over the next couple days I had similar conversations with Autumn, just because I knew I could talk about my lost baby as a real baby if I talked about it with her.

I thought more about my baby's name too. I decided that it was a girl. It must have been. Little kids have instincts about that stuff. Like an angel is whispering in their ear telling them that it's a girl. If Autumn says it's a girl, then I will believe her. And I would give my little girl a name.

The only name that kept coming to my mind was Grace.

Grace was what God had with me when I made the wrong decision. Grace is what my baby girl up in heaven is giving me right now. And Grace is what I have had to give myself to forgive myself for what I had done.

Her name is Grace.

I have a baby in heaven. And her name is Grace. And I love her. Like crazy.

The Miscarriage - Part 2

2011-01-05T22:40:00.000-06:00

At 11:30, I showed up at my OB. My doctor came in and sat down at her desk. She looked at me with a compassionate, knowing look. After a pause, she calmly said, "How are you doing?"

So I told her.

"I am confused. I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand what Dr. O told me on the phone. I need you to explain everything to me very thoroughly. And you can start with an explanation of the female anatomy and exactly how an IUD prevents pregnancy. I need to know if I killed my baby."

So she did. For the next hour, she explained the uterus, the tubes, the egg and the sperm. She explained how the presence of an IUD is supposed to work to prevent an egg from getting fertilized, but if it did actually get fertilized (which was rare), it basically kills the fertilized egg because it creates a poor environment for the development of the egg. It also creates such a bad environment that many times a fertilized egg will not want to enter into the uterus, so it will stay in the tubes, causing a tubal pregnancy.

The other thing she explained is why the other doctor didn't know I was pregnant.

"Why wouldn't something show up on the ultrasound?" She explained how it must be too early in the pregnancy to detect it on the ultrasound, but that the doctor did mess up because she should have performed a pregnancy test first. She gave me a heart-felt apology for that and stated that she and the other doctors in the practice would be addressing this as a huge problem with Dr. Funkyname.

"But what about the aspiration? She didn't know I was pregnant, and Dr. O said that could have been what killed the baby?"

"I talked to the pathologist who looked at the blood she pulled and the pathologist did not find any pregnancy cells present. So that tells me that there was no baby in the uterus at the time that she performed the aspiration. So, either you've already miscarried, or you have a tubal pregnancy. That's why we need to run blood tests again to see if your hormone levels are going down. If they are, you've miscarried. If they haven't, you most likely have a tubal pregnancy and we need to address that right away."

After that first hour, I felt better because I wasn't so confused. But I also felt extremely bothered. If I hadn't had an IUD in, then my baby would have survived this mess. It was my fault. I did this. I chose a form of birth control that killed my baby.

"Dr. J, I want you to understand something. We (my husband and I) believe that once an egg is fertilized, that it is life, and it's a baby. Although my husband and I wanted to avoid getting pregnant in the near future, if I actually am pregnant, there is no way that I would ever want that baby harmed in any way. That's my beautiful baby in there. I need to know if there is still a chance that this life can be saved."

She stopped and told me a story about her miscarriage and how she realized later that she could have prevented it from happening, but she didn't realize that what she was doing at the time caused the baby's death. And she looks at my situation in the same way. She didn't want me to look at it like it was my fault. She even started to tear up when she shared that with me.

But I looked her right back in the eye and said, "I understand what you are saying, but it was my fault. I chose wrong. It was a big mistake because I only heard what I wanted to hear when I chose this form of birth control. I heard that it was more effective than any other form. I heard that the egg won't get fertilized. I heard that 90 million women in the United States use this form of birth control and it's perfectly safe. But what I didn't listen to was that if you do get pregnant, it will kill your baby."

At that point, she finally admitted to me that inserting an IUD into the uterus was one of the abortion methods of the 70's.

"Dr. J, I want you to know that I look at that and I admit that my selfishness and lack of paying attention to research killed my baby. I should have never chosen an IUD for my birth control."

"Heidi, you can't blame yourself! Don't do this to yourself!" She looked at me with a serious look on her face.

"Dr. J, I have forgiven myself. I had to make peace with myself last night on all this. But I will never deny or forget what I've done."

The appointment ended with another drawing of my blood. She would ask for a rush on the results and I'd hear back from her tomorrow.

Later that afternoon, I decided to pick up my daughter first from school. I needed to hug one of my babies, and I thought she would be great to hug first, almost like she'd be the one to understand.

After I picked her up, hugged her, kissed her and told her how much I loved her, we got in the car to go pick up Michael.

My phone rings. It's Dr. J.

"Heidi, pull over. I need to share some news with you."

Ok. Weird. I thought we exhausted all conversation earlier today. So I pull into a JC Penny parking lot.

"Ok, I'm ready to talk."

"Heidi, remember I told you I talked to the pathologist this morning regarding the blood that they pulled from your aspiration?"

"Yes."

"And you remember that the pathologist said that they didn't find any pregnancy cells in your blood, so there wasn't any way that the aspiration killed the baby?"

"Yes."

"Well, after my conversation with the pathologist, they went back and checked again, and they found a few pregnancy cells."

What?

"The one thing that tells me is that you do not have a tubal pregnancy. But what it does tell me is that when Dr. Funkyname performed the aspiration, although it's unlikely, it could have aborted your baby."

The earth stopped. Thank God Autumn was in the backseat entertained with a DVD, because I needed to stop with it.

What? What did she just say?

I didn't know what to say. I just didn't. know. what. to...

Did she just tell me that my stupid decision to let a nut-job doctor do something to me that I didn't feel comfortable with killed my baby? Did she use the word abort??? I KNEW I shouldn't have let her do that to me! Why didn't I say no? Why did I even schedule an appointment with a doctor I didn't know and didn't trust?! I had 2 gut checks with this lady and I didn't follow either one! Why??!

I stopped and thought for a while. Finally I found some words to say.

"Dr. J, I know that you didn't have to tell me this. You could have taken this knowledge and hidden it from me to protect the practice. But you didn't. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty."

"Heidi, I got this news about an hour ago, and I've been thinking a lot about it and about your situation. You know, tomorrow marks the 4th week you've been bleeding. That's highly unusual to bleed like that with an IUD. Although we won't know anything for sure, I want you to know that I believe that you were pregnant, and you miscarried four weeks ago when you first started bleeding. And your body has not yet finished expressing the pregnancy, that's why you continue to bleed and why you still have some pregnancy hormones in your blood. Because of this, I think it's highly unlikely that the aspiration caused the actual miscarriage. If you were four weeks or more pregnant, we would have seen it on the ultrasound and your hormone levels from that day would have been much higher."

"Dr. J, with all due respect, you also said that it was highly unlikely that anyone could get pregnant with an IUD, and I've defied that odd, haven't I? If it's all the same to you, I'd rather not play the odds on this one. The real truth is we don't know. The real truth is, I had my gut tell me not to schedule an appointment with her or let her do the aspiration, and I didn't listen to either one. And here I am talking to you right now and you are telling me that there is still a chance that I am pregnant and that she either aborted my baby or caused a huge deformity in my otherwise-healthy baby. Thank you for your call, but I'd rather not be lumped together into a percentage anymore."

We went back and forth some more, and then hung up the phone.

I took a deep breath and pulled out of the parking lot. I couldn't believe that all this was happening.

At home, I told Matt about the phone call. At first, he was enraged. We had a big discussion about whether going after a law suit was right or not. But I had given it a lot of thought on the way home that night.

"Matthew, I think she's right. Everything she said rings true with me. If I was fully pregnant on that day, my hormone levels would have been higher, they would have found more than just a couple of pregnancy cells in the blood, and something would have shown up on the ultrasound."

We both calmed down. We would decide on what to do tomorrow when we got the results of my blood test.

The Miscarriage - Part 1

2011-01-01T11:34:00.000-06:00

When I was pregnant with both of my children, I got very sick with preeclampsia. When I was pregnant with Michael, it got even worse. In addition, I came down with more complications than my first pregnancy, including one where my entire body itched relentlessly because my liver was letting off hormones that were killing my baby. When I brought up my symptoms and research with my doctor, she decided to perform an emergency C-section.

I don't do well with pregnancies. I dislike being pregnant. The only fun part is feeling the baby move and waiting with anticipation to meet my little offspring. Other than that, there is nothing I miss about being pregnant. My doctor knew this about me, so it was not unusual that on the operating table with Michael, she asked me if I wanted her to tie my tubes "while she was in there".

I looked at Matt. We both said no. Although we didn't want to go through this whole ordeal again, we weren't that sure that we didn't.

Two months later, I decided that an IUD was the best route to prevent further pregnancies from occurring. So my doctor put it in, and to my knowledge, it just prevented the sperm from making it to the egg. No worries. Once it was in, I didn't have to worry about taking the pill anymore. We could just be a married couple doing our thing and living life with our two young kids. And if we decided we wanted more kids, out it came and on with another pregnancy.

While I had the IUD, I had very little bleeding. A small period, but not much. Maybe a day's worth of light to medium spotting, but it was gone by Day 2. So this past October, when I went on a business trip, I was surprised to see that my period had developed into quite a full blown mess. With no preparation and no time to deal with the matter, I had ruined 2 of my work pants and embarrassed myself to death, even though nobody knew what was happening but me.

"Man, my body must be catching up for all the lighter periods I've been having!" I thought to myself. The period continued on like that for 2 weeks, and I suspected it might. But after 3 weeks, and no letting up, I thought something seemed wrong. Maybe I'll call my doctor on Monday.

So I called the doctor and got Dr. O. She wasn't my primary doctor, but she performed my C-section with Autumn, so I trusted her. I explained that at that point, I had been bleeding for 3 1/2 weeks, and was that normal? She asked if I was pregnant. I was all, "What? No. I told you. I have an IUD in."

"Ok, set up an appointment for an ultrasound and an abdomen check. I think we need to see you."

Hmmm. That's weird. I know my sister had this happen once. I don't remember whatever came of it though. Doesn't this ever happen to women where they just get a really long period? Ok, I'll make an appointment. The doctor transferred me over to the receptionist. The only opening was the next day with the new doctor, Dr. Funkyname.

I have never seen Dr. Funkyname before, so I wasn't too sure, but I guess it's better to see someone sooner than later.

So I go in. The ultrasound shows nothing. No baby. I'm not pregnant. Dr. Funkyname walks in. She has no idea what is wrong. She thinks it's just my uterus bleeding maybe as a response to the hormones in the IUD. But she really doesn't know. She's kinda crazy looking with crazy frizzy hair and chewed down nails. She keeps rubbing her face. Thinking. She can barely talk because she is wondering what is wrong with me. She won't even spit out a sentence.

She finally explains that Dr. O took notes from my phone call the day before and jotted down that maybe a hysteroscopy would be necessary. (Hysteroscopy = camera in the uterus to see what's up). I agree with that. Let's go ahead with it. I want to make sure I don't have cancer. But she tells me that the ultrasound shows that my uterus is filled with blood--lots of it. She would need to drain the blood and give it a couple days to clear up so that when the camera is checking me out, it can actually see something. I think that sounds a little weird, and she's so weird that maybe I should just skip her weirdo suggestion and call and set up an appointment with Dr. O instead.

I'm thinking that to myself. But instead of following my gut, I let her go ahead and do it.

Holy cow. During the procedure, I was in tremendous pain. I have never experienced cramping like that in my entire life. It felt like someone was sucking my insides out. I was literally screaming in the office. (Not like me to ever scream in an office.) The nurse left the room. The doctor tells me she's sending the blood in for research. She holds up the container of blood. Holy cow. That's a lot of blood. Then she says she's going to have them draw my blood as well.

She leaves the room. I get dressed. She has the nurse come back and draw my blood. The nurse says the results will take 2 days and the doctor will call me once they have the results. Dr. Funkyname comes back in and says, "You know what? Now that we've drained the blood, I think you should be ok. We could probably just skip the hysteroscopy." Um, what Psychopath?!? How is that solving anything? That still doesn't tell me what's wrong. So I file her under my "You're a crazy lady and I'm never coming back to you again" mental file, and I decide I'm going to wait for the blood test results and then schedule a hysteroscopy with Dr. O anyway. I need to know if I have cancer.

Two days pass and I go to pick up something from the store on my way to pick up Michael from the babysitter. When I get back into the car, I realize I missed a call from Dr. O. So I call her back, and she says, "Well, your suspicions were correct. You are pregnant!"

What??

Excuse me, what?! What are you talking about, my suspicions? The only person that suspected that was YOU on the phone. How did this happen? I have an IUD!

She goes on to explain that there is a small percent chance that a woman can still get pregnant with an IUD, even though it's rare. Blah, blah, blah. She's going on and on and then blurts out that she wants to get me back in there for another blood test to see if the hormone levels are going down. I most likely miscarried. Blah blah blah. The IUD could have caused the miscarriage. Blah blah blah. Dr. Funkyname could have potentially killed the baby when she performed the aspiration. Blah blah blah.

I was driving.

I was numb.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I was in shock.

Everything around me was blurry.

How could I be pregnant? How did I not know? Why was I bleeding? Why is she talking about a miscarriage? How could she know if I miscarried already? Why is she talking like it is? What are we going to do with a third baby? Did she say that the aspiration could have killed the baby? Why didn't Dr. Funkyname do a pregnancy test? How did she not know I was pregnant? Why didn't the baby show up on the ultrasound? When did a miscarriage happen if I am still bleeding? Is it happening right now? Is it about to happen? Can we prevent it from happening? Why has my uterus felt hard the last couple days like I was pregnant? What does my poor little baby think about all this? Why would Dr. Funkyname drain blood from my uterus if I was PREGNANT???

I told her I'd call back tomorrow to make an appointment.

I hung up the phone.

I was still driving. I was numb. And everything around me was still a blur.

Should I tell anyone??

Should I tell my husband?

Should I say it out loud? I am pregnant. We might be having a MISCARRIAGE??

I can't believe I am one of those women who have had a miscarriage.

One minute later, I called the bakery. "Is Matt there?" My voice was shaking.

"Um, yes, but he's busy right now talking to someone. Can I put you into his voicemail?"

"No. Tell him it's an emergency." I stated firmly.

"Hello?"

And then out it came. I told him everything. In between gushes of tears and heaves of my breath, I could barely get it all out. I was weeping. I don't ever remember weeping like that before. I wept and I wept and I wept. I told him everything.

"What are we going to do, Matthew? I'm so confused! I think I killed our baby!"

I don't remember what he said other than, "Are you alright to drive? Are you ok? Are you driving?" I was. But that wasn't my concern. My concern was that I let Dr. Funkyname kill our baby. My concern was that I let my chosen form of birth control kill my baby. My concern is that my baby would never know that I was so so sorry and that I loved him already and that I was so so sorry and I would never be able to tell him that.

That night was the most confusing night of my life. I couldn't get a hold of my mother. I called her 10 times, and she never picked up. I didn't know if I should tell my sister. She freaked out crying last time I called her and told her I was pregnant because she was dealing with her own inability to get pregnant. Would she do the same in my time of need? I couldn't deal with that. I needed someone who could be strong and who could help me.

Finally I called a friend who I knew had a miscarriage herself. I told her everything. She got me more worried. Like I should be in the emergency room. Then I decided I needed to call my sister. I told her I didn't understand what was happening. She tried to explain what might be happening because she is a nurse. But I still didn't understand. Then I called a nurse hotline from work. I told that nurse everything. And I told her I was confused. She tried to explain everything, and it made me feel a little bit better. Then my mom finally called me back at 9pm. I don't remember what we talked about. But I don't think it mattered to me. I still felt abandoned by her. When I needed her the most that night, she was nowhere to be found. And that phone call didn't help me feel less abandoned by her. I needed her earlier in the night.

That whole night, I locked myself in my bedroom and sobbed. I was confused. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. All I wanted to do was talk to my doctor. Not Dr. Funkyname. Not Dr. O. My doctor. Dr. J. The one who saved my life with both of my kids.

The next morning, in a numb state, I emailed work and told them I was not going to be in that day with no explanation. I even skipped a very important work call. I didn't care. I was numb. I was confused. I needed answers. I called the OB receptionist at 9:05, right when they opened, and I told her I needed a 90-minute consultation with Dr. J as soon as possible.

She fit me in at 11:30, Dr J's lunch hour, assuring me that Dr. J would be all ears.

Introspection

2010-12-19T14:31:00.000-06:00

When I first started this blog, my goal was to capture my inner thoughts. I used to journal the old fashioned romantic way by buying a whimsical journal from the shelves of Barnes and Noble and writing out my feelings and emotions longhand.

The problem was that my hand would cramp up and I would never get out my thoughts as fast as I was thinking them.

So I gave blogging a try. Blogging certainly allowed me to type as fast as I thought. Or at least faster than writing it longhand. But I ended up blogging for an audience, and not necessarily for myself. I got excited every time I posted on a topic I thought people would find funny, but then I was let down when I didn't get any comments on it. People I knew would tell me that they thought I wrote well and it was very entertaining. And sometimes I had fun doing it. But it wasn't satisfying me the way I had originally hoped. I need to write for me.

I've been very introspective lately. I've had a lot to think about, and not a lot to entertain with. Thus the reason for the lack of blogs. For a 5 month stint, I got really addicted to online shopping, so much so that it took over my free time and my discipline. I've also gained almost all my weight back. All the weight that the early archives of this blog caught me losing. And so I've had to question myself on why that happened and what to do now. I am embarrassed about it, so I didn't care to admit that I've been struggling with that to the cyber world.

Life seems different lately. And I'm not sure why. My kids are getting a little older. They are a little different to deal with, and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Being a parent seems really tough. So much tougher than I ever thought it was going to be. And every time I express that to a family member or a close friend, I'm instantly ashamed that I ever admitted that openly to anyone. And feeling guilty that I am a mom who doesn't always enjoy being a mother. I battle with my own selfishness and anger problems. And I feel that I'm never going to be the mom I want to be. Or the mom that my husband wants me to be.

I have been struggling in my faith for about 10 years now. Ever since college. Sometimes I feel like it's coming back, but it never seems to fully recover. Not having a strong constant faith influences my choices and grays the lines. It bothers my husband and disappoints him on a number of accounts. I am not who he needs me to be. A woman of strong faith, prayer, and support. I am not. When will I be? Will I be?

And then there's another thing on my mind. Although works seems to be going well, I have a constant struggle between where my heart is and where my focus should be. After going on a business trip or attending a business meeting, I become motivated. I can see the career path that I could easily go after and attain more wealth and status in the company, enjoying my job even more. But then I go back home to be faced with children who are hard to get dressed, fed, and out the door in the mornings. I am never to work on time. I get upset at them, and I feel guilty for that. And so I am reminded why I have stayed in the same position for 4 years without moving. Because if I move on, then that will take more effort and focus away from my family.

My husband's job is always calling. He will always work more than the 40 hours a week I wish he would work. He will always be tired on Sundays and around the holidays. And he will never apologize for it. He will always think that he has the real job, and I don't. He will never carry the burden of household chores with me. And he will always be more focused on his work and our children than he is on me.

This year, I have a lot of work to do.

I have to lose weight. This time, I can't get scared. I can't back down. I can't take it lightly. I don't want to feel angry with myself like this ever again. It's a horrible feeling. I want to feel good again. I want to work out and eat less. Again.

I have to give my job 100% as much as I can. I have to be on time for work. With Michael attending the same school as Autumn now (no more 2 different drop-off sites), I can arrive earlier and stay later which will help.

I need to find a way financially to get a maid into my house at least twice a month. A working mother should never have to spend one whole day of her week cleaning. She needs to be spending it with her children. And while we're on the topic of saving time, I think I also need to start using Peapod to deliver groceries instead of going out to the grocery store.

I want to blog more often. For me. To get my thoughts out on paper. This is my drug.

I want to make some more jewelry. It's fun and I know how.

I want to get financially back into a better position. I was undisciplined the last year, and it hurt me. It hurt our family. I need to be smarter. I'm so sorry.

I want to paint my nails. My fingers always look terrible. I need to be thinking about that on a regular basis. I pay attention to my makeup and my hair, but not my nails. And while I'm at it, I should be shaving my legs more often too.

I want to be a better mother. I want to be more patient and understanding. I don't ever want to yell again. I want to listen. I want to be a mother who I would admire.

I want to be happy again.

Holding Hands and Dancing

2010-10-08T20:12:00.001-05:00

Everyone in the house is sleeping except for me.

And for Autumn. She's singing in her bedroom and I'm not going to stop her.

Last weekend, I was hurting. My husband says things to me that hurt my feelings sometimes. I was lying on the bed, and he walked in and said, "What are you doing??"

And I said, "Thinking."

He blinked. (You must understand, I don't usually lie around and think.)

Then he said, "About what?"

So then I told him. And then he apologized, and we talked about it, and he made it better.

Then he randomly picked up a notebook and uncovered a love note I wrote to him a few days before.

And as he read it, he laughed.

"This is probably not what you think of me now, huh?"

We laughed together as he read my love note out loud, because no, that's not what I felt about him just moments before.

But tonight, just as I laid dinner down on the table and got all of the kids in their chairs, my husband snapped his iPod into the stereo and started playing some of my favorite music. Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra, Louis Prima, Bobby Darin, and Nat King Cole.

We all hung out as a family. Laughing, singing, and begging the kids to eat. I looked at my husband and I felt so much love for him. I held his hand at the table.

Then Autumn wanted to be a part of the action, so she held his other hand.

So then I asked Michael if he wanted to hold hands with us, and he grabbed Autumn's hand and then my hand. The kids both stared at us. Blinking.

There was the four of us holding hands. We said our secret word that only we say that let's us know that we are all here together.

Then we all let go at the same time, threw our hands in the air, and cheered. It was fun.

Then a Nat King Cole song came on a few minutes later. And I asked my husband to dance.

I love dancing with my husband. I mean, it's like a 5 minute hug. It's awesome.

So we danced. For 10 seconds. Until Autumn creeped out of her chair at the dinner table and joined us. Matt scooped her up and held her between us and she nuzzled into his arms and had a contented smile on her face.

She loves to love.

So I grabbed Michael out of his chair, and brought him over to dance too.

After he danced with us for 1.5 seconds, he said, "Get down!"

He didn't like it. So we all laughed and went back to the dinner table. Laughing, singing, and begging the kids to eat.

I had a nice night with my husband and my kids.

I love you guys. I love you like crazy. And Matthew, all you have to do is make it right and I'm right back to that place I love to be.

Madly in love. And finding you funny.

A Story I Never Told You ~ Kisses at the Castle

2010-09-23T21:14:00.000-05:00

On our last day in Disney World, we had arranged to eat lunch with "Cinderella and her friends". The lady on the phone insisted that her "friends" weren't the other princesses, but I took the risk buying the tickets anyway since we were going to see Cinderella. And Cinderella was Autumn's favorite.

The meal was delectable and worth every penny as far as I was concerned. I mean, who doesn't love puff pastry with amazingness on top???

Then who comes along, but Snow White to tear my baby out of her bad mood?

And she lays a kiss on the forehead of my boy. Right next to the kiss that Cinderella put there just 10 minutes before.

Then, Sleeping Beauty came along. (a.k.a. Princess Aurora) And she's so pretty because she's wearing pink and she's nice.

Autumn starts getting happier.

And she places another kiss on my boy's forehead on the other side of Cinderella's kiss.

Now here comes Jasmine. (even though she doesn't look like Jasmine.) Autumn was a bit unsure about this one. She doesn't know if she's buyin' it.

And Jasmine places a kiss on my boy's cheek.

And lastly, my favorite. Belle comes out and actually gets a smile out of my girl.

And she puts a kiss on my boy's other cheek.

And gives my Autumn Rayne a kiss too.

When she walks away, Michael looks at her lovingly.

He decides he loves her.

He loves all the ladies!

And he's having a great time!!!

But only Mommy can give him a kiss on the ole' smacker!!

Now he's really happy. He gots 6 kisses.

From 6 princesses.

And he's the happiest boy in the whole world.

The End.

The Before Pictures

2010-09-19T06:46:00.001-05:00

I think I'm hot.

Ok, well not hot. But seriously, I have a problem.

I think I look better than I actually do.

Until I see pictures like these.

Then I realize there's no room for error here.

Make no mistake about it. I am not hot.

Here's me totally guzzling the IBC root beer.

Why am I drinking pop? I know it's full of calories.

Yet, here I am. Chugg-a-lugg-ing.

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug!

And what's worse is not the fact that I over-apply my blush/bronzer under my cheekbones to try to create some sort of phisod of a cheekbone.

It's the fact that I have no defined jawline.

(i.e. My jawline is made up entirely of fat.)

FAT FAT Jehosephat. Member that character in the Bible?

Well, I could be his twin.

Let's move on, shall we? Let me first acknowledge my daughter's hilarious facial expressions.

Autumn, you're awesome. Keep em comin', Baby Girl.

Anyhoo, what's distressing me about this shot is that this is my UPPER body. The "safe" half. Let's not even consider the much more dangerous lower half.

It's the upper half of my body, yet my arms are...

LARGE.

Why??? Why me?!??

Something happens when you see yourself and you're not as cute as you imagine yourself to be in your mind.

And your tricep fat is just hanging there. In a nice round droopy sort of way.

And your blush/bronzer is starting to scare you. You're wondering who's been doing your makeup in the morning.

And you have evidence to prove that you have MAN HANDS while cutting an apple you'd like your daughter to eat so she can be healthy, but you have no intention of eating it yourself because you don't eat healthy food anymore.

Cause you're a fatty.

And you're just plain big. While your daughter is just plain cute. And little. And she deserves to have a little mom. But you're not giving that to her.

What you can give to her though is a mom who has no idea she has fat forearms while she poses for this picture like a goofball.

Something happens that makes me never want to eat again. That makes me want to run outside and run a full marathon. That makes me want to hide out until all the fat is gone.

Depression can set in at any moment, and it does. But it can't stay. Because I need the motivation (once more) to go and do it. To shed the weight. To lose the calories. To get in shape. And to regain the Mega Hottie Mom goal again.

Yeah, like I said, these are my Before Pictures.

So Yeah, I've Started

2010-09-07T06:35:00.001-05:00

I don't have time to post my Before Picture. Maybe I'll get to that later this week. But yesterday, my husband snapped a few photos of me cutting apples for my daughter.

And yeah, those are my "Before" photos. You know, the kind that you take before you start losing weight. The kind that you're not proud to show off until you've lost at least 20lbs, but they are even more helpful and grotesque once you've lost, like, 50lb.

Yeah, those.

I was snapping pics of my kids and their grandma yesterday. Then I snapped a few of my husband. Cause he needs a documentary of his life too. But then he thought the same thing about me, and snapped a few of me.

Now, normally, I wouldn't have had a problem with the ones he took. I mean, I was sitting down, but he only got the top half of me in the pictures. Usually, that is the perfect angle of me. Just keep away from my lower half, and we are good to go.

I hear Oprah is like that with her magazine photo shoots. She always wants them to take face shots vs. full body shots.

Oprah, I totally get it. I mean, you and me, we're right there. I'm with ya, baby.

But that's all Matt got of me in these pics. And, I was horrified.

My arms were HUGE. And my face had no bones in it. Just fat. It was just a huge mess. And I was just BIG.

I saw them right after he took them in the little camera screen and it dawned on me. When I get ready in the morning, even in front of the full-length mirror, I pose in a way that I look the best or the thinnest to myself. And in that, I deceive myself and how big I've really gotten.

That just made me mad. And since last night, I've spent every waking minute being, well MAD. I'm mad at myself and I am sick at myself.

I went downstairs last night after putting the kids to bed and I told Matt, "I am going to start working out tomorrow. So when the alarm goes off at 5, push me out of bed if I don't go."

"But you hate when I do that."

"Yeah, but I need you to do that. I can't live like this anymore. I need your help."

And with that, I went upstairs and went to bed.

This morning, my alarm went off at 5. And I shut if off. And I thought, "Are you kidding me??? I cannot believe I have to get up right now."

But I did. Me and my cellulite woke up. And somehow, I managed to get my workout clothes on. And I prayed for God to give me the strength. And I worked out for an hour.

I did it. And I hope I never stop again.

And it's brown rice, fish, and veggies from here on out.

I'm so OVER being fat.

Autumn is Here

2010-09-06T21:19:00.002-05:00

I mean, seriously, how can I resist laughing when I see this goofy grin??? This girl makes me laugh.

On Saturday night, I got to take my girl out on a date.

Just me and her.

We went to the mall so she could get a haircut. We also did some other things like buy a new toy at Snickelfritz Toys--she chose a ladybug water bottle, we played at the playground (well, she did, while I watched and/or checked out all the other mothers and their fashionable wardrobes), and we shared an Auntie Anne's pretzel with lemonade to drink. (She put the lemonade in her new water bottle.)

It was fun to be with my baby, just me and her. She amazes me. I can see her growing up. She was actually laughing at some of the things I was doing this weekend. She would laugh. And I would say, "Are you laughing at me?" and she'd say, "Yeah. You're funny, Mom," with that smile on her face and another chuckle.

I don't remember trying to be funny. But it was funny that she found me funny. And cute that she found me funny. Her little chuckle made me smile.

She was also saying things like, "Mom, you have blue eyes, and I have blue eyes. God gave us both blue eyes!" And I would say, "Yep." "But Mom, Daddy and Bucky don't have blue eyes, they have brown eyes." And I would say, "Yep." Then she would say, "But I have blue eyes and you have blue eyes. We're the same! Mom, you're my best friend."

And then my heart would melt. And I would say, "Autumn, I love you so much. You are such a little sweetheart." And then she would smile contentedly and close her eyes in a happy sigh.

It was so nice to spend time with my baby and watch her grow up before my very eyes. She is getting so big. And funny. I love her little heart and her tenderness and her humor. God gave me such a beautiful gift when He gave Autumn to me. I couldn't be more awestruck by her. She's my beautiful starry-eyed little girl.

Let's Get It Started

2010-09-03T22:38:00.002-05:00

My thighs are fighting with each other. Literally.

I really don't know which one to side with.

Every time one thigh seems to be getting ahead, the other one just comes along and puts it right back in it's place.

Ugh. I need to work out again. My jeans don't fit. My kids look at me funny when it takes me at least 6 minutes to put on 1 pair of jeans.

So that provides me with an obvious muffin top and a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I need to start working out again. But I'm not excited about it.

I'm turning 30 next month. It would be great if I felt great. But I just can't seem to get started. It's always the "getting started" that is the toughest for me.

Personally, I find it highly unmotivating to wake up early after a night of binging and sitting on my rear end watching tv, to work out.

I mean, do I even have any muscle left under there??? Cause all it feels like to me if flubber.

I Thought I Loved You But I Lied

2010-08-29T20:51:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, as a working mother, I just don't have time.

I mean, I do have a little. But not a lot.

So with my little free time, I end up choosing from doing one of 4 things.

1. I blog.

2. I shop online.

3. I watch tv.

4. I hang out with my husband.

All 4 of these options have to take place after the children are in bed. I don't really get the chance to do them any other time of the day.

So, since I've been highly interested in the other 3, my blogging has suffered.

In a way, I feel guilty. As if I had a following or something.

But by this point, I think any small following I once had, has left by now.

All the more reason not to do it.

But, for those of you who might log in and see if ANYTHING has been happening in my life lately, and I cared to write about it, here is what is going on these days:

1. I went to Anaheim, CA for 4 days and I came back with a Mickey Mouse backpack for my boy, who starts school in January after his 2nd birthday. He LOVES it.

2. I told his mom-babysitter that we won't be coming to her anymore after Christmas. She was shocked. And I felt bad. She is a wonderful mom.

3. Michael will be going to school with Autumn, which should make my mornings and afternoons a little less crazy. (One drop off/pick up site vs. two.)

4. Autumn is sick. Again. Which means I am getting sick. Again. It's like a phenomenon.

5. I am really loving my friend Sasha these days. It's so good to have a close friend again who I have a lot in common with. She has the best laugh too.

6. Speaking of friends, I have no idea how I am ever going to see Mark and Misty or Mike and Erin EVER again since I lost my babysitter to a big move-to-another-state. Trust-worthy babysitters are hard to come by. I'm tempted to call her best friend.

7. I am still obsessed with jewelry. Lia Sophia jewelry to be exact. Unfortunately for my bank account, they just came out with a new catalog, and I'm going to be restocking even more "must-haves". Just don't tell my husband how many. Oi.

8. My husband. He's so cute. For some reason, I have found a renewed passion for him lately. My cup runneth over. Love you Babe.

9. Work is crazy, but good. We are in our busiest month of the year. And I can't believe how smoothly it's going.

10. I am getting a bonus on September 17th. Because my company rocks and we're doing THAT good. What recession??? I hope that means that this year, Matt and I can focus on redoing our ugly living room. Member when we redid our bedroom? Yeah, this year, we want to redo the living room. Then we might have some of you over. FINALLY.

11. My in-laws are letting us use their time share again so we can go back to Disney World!!!! I CANNOT WAIT. I was sad to go. And I will be happy to go back. Epcot, we will FINALLY get to see you!!!

The End. All comments are welcome.

At the Dinner Table

2010-08-08T21:18:00.002-05:00

If it were left up to me, dinner would be takeout, or something just as easy every night of the week. And we'd eat it in front of the TV. Because I'm lazy and I don't want to cook every night. Or clean up.

However, something happens when we all sit around the table as a family. It's almost magical. There is laughter. There is singing. There is learning. There is love.

Matt sees it. I recognize it. So it ends up making the "slaving over dinner" and cleaning up afterward worth it.

One night last week, we were all sitting around the table, and Matt used something Autumn said about Jesus as an opportunity to teach her more.

"Autumn, did you know that Jesus took all your sins away?"

"No! He can't take my sheep away!!!!" She grabbed her stuffed sheep off the table and held it close.

"No, I said He took all your SINS away."

"Oh," she replied.

Then she blurted out, "All the single ladies! All the single ladies! All the single ladies!..."

See, I told you. At the dinner table, there are teaching moments, singing moments, and, of course, laughing moments.

You just gotta love the way a 3-year-old little mind works.

Fat, God, and Money: Back to Basics

2010-07-31T15:20:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks, I have had some deep introspection.

I realized that I am becoming someone I hate.

Every night, I have been logging into eBay and/or searching Google for something to buy. Anything. Something pretty. Something that would be exciting to get on my doorstep. I was addicted. And I couldn't stop.

I was probably only 5-6 weeks into this particular infatuation before I realized that I was disgusted with myself. How could I be spending so frivolously? And carelessly? But really, I knew deep down that this was a monster that had been growing over the past 12 months.

So let's start the story back then.

Last year, I lost 70lbs. It felt good, even though it was hard. I got down to a size I hadn't seen in years. I felt energized. I felt sexy. I felt like I was becoming a beautiful girl, not just a frumpy woman who had a body made of pregnancy leftovers. As my size decreased, I had to buy new clothes. I wanted to buy new clothes. So I did. And it felt good to have something fresh in my closet after years of faded Target sweaters and 8-year-old flare cut jeans.

I got a new haircut, and I learned how to style it. I went to the dermatologist and learned how to take care of my skin. I got colored contacts to make my eyes pop. I started buying jewelry. I bought new shoes and new pajamas. I started buying my family brand new clothes. I bought a new bedroom set. We bought a new iMac computer. And an expensive DSLR camera. I bought my husband an iPhone and an iPad. We went on vacation to Florida. Then I bought even more clothes, jewelry, and shoes.

Pretty soon, the disciplined life I once knew under the teachings of Dave Ramsey was gone. I had blown through our hard-earned savings with barely any of it left hanging on by a string. And the weight that I lost, the weight loss that turned me into a self-worshipper? I no longer was simply energized by my appearance. I was a slave to it. I had to keep going. I had to keep buying. I had to keep contributing to the monster that was my external appearance.

The last couple weeks, I have realized that I hate myself for who I have become. I didn't even get to my final weight goal before I stopped working hard at working out and eating healthy. I have officially gained 25lbs back. So not only am I disgusting on the inside, I feel disgusting on the outside too. I feel sick to my stomach over who I am. I can't hide it anymore. I can't hide the sick person I've become. The person who is materialistic and poisoning herself. And destroying her family values. Destroying the beliefs I hold at the very heart of me, but have become numb to.

I've gone against who I want to be. Someone who is disciplined. With my eating. With my exercise. With my money.

I have failed at all three and it's resulted in a fat, sluggish mom who has fooled herself into believing that if I just buy one more piece of jewelry or a new top from Banana Republic, that I'm happy. I'm pretty. I'm sexy. I can be someone who is desired.

But really, someone who has become very insecure.

As I've been thinking this through lately, and discussing it with my husband, I've learned that, at the very root of all of this, at the CORE, is hiding an even deeper truth.

I am not who I want to be, I am not able to become who I want to be, because I am not in a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am not a Christian. If I died today, and went to the judgement seat of God, He would say, "Depart from me. I never knew you."

Or maybe He would modify it, and say, "You left. I don't know you anymore."

I'm not going to get into the WHY walking away from my Christianity all happened. But I am going to point out the fact that I have really come to grips with the fact that the last ten years without God turned me into a horrible person. Someone who is undisciplined, who searches after meaningless and empty treasures. And no, my husband has not found me more attractive over the last year.

I'd like to start over. I'd like to take my three biggest failures: Money, Fat, and God, and start over. I'd like to try to start again. I'd like to build my savings account up again and stop spending so frivolously. I'd like to get back into the routine of working out and eating less junk and more fruits and vegetables. And I'd like to start getting to know God again. I'd like to be a Christian again. I'd like to fall in love with God again. And actually have a relationship with Him again.

God, you know the prayers I have already prayed concerning this. Please continue to help me in this, as I learn who You are again and learn to trust that You can take care of it all. I just need to depend on you.

Thank you. I love you too.

Nothing's Better

2010-07-24T20:41:00.001-05:00

...than when Daddy comes home!

(Thanks, Matthew, for buying me a camera that can capture a second in time without delay! What a perfect shot of your little boy who LOVES to see you walk through that door! We all love you sooooo much!!!)

___________________________________________

In other news, my sister is about to have her baby any day now. I am waiting impatiently by the phone for

THE PHONE CALL

Unfortunately her hospital is almost 2 hours away, so I'm scared I won't make it in time. But really, I just can't wait to see my new little nephew. He is going to be so cute!!! I can't wait to snap some pics of him!

In other, other news, I found shoes that look like they might work for the sales meeting at work. You can find them here. So, now, I am officially all set for my wardrobe at the meeting. Yay!!!

P.S. I also ordered this pair here, just cause I couldn't resist the cuteness and the price!

In other, other, other news, my grandpa had a pretty big stroke and now he can't walk. I feel so bad for him and I wish I had more time to visit him. Listening to my mom tell me all about what happened was so hard knowing that I couldn't really do anything to help him or my grandpa. It's very hard to get involved while working, raising children, and living over an hour away. It feels like it goes against what feels right--to be there for my family. I hope he and my grandma are going to be ok.

Earrings

2010-07-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

I told you I would show you some more jewelry, so here I am doing just that. Here are just a few picks of my favorite earrings these days. You tell me what you think.

Here is the up-close version of what I'm wearing in the first picture. I heart these. They are black and long. They still kinda get hidden in my hair, which is why it's hard to see them in the first pic. I try to go with long earrings nowadays, to help it stand out. I think the clear beads in these help them say, "We are still here!"

What's great about these is that they go with anything that I have that's black. I can wear them with jeans or to the office. And I got them from Tar-jay for only $7. Wow. You can't beat $7. Can you?

Since I'm talking about long earrings, I thought I'd show you my longest and biggest pair of earrings. Sorry the photo is in black and white again. I took these on a Saturday while I was cleaning. So changing them to black and white is done in order to hide the fact that I am wearing an ugly red t-shirt with holes in the neckline that says, "Don't mess with Texas!"

These little numbers, or big numbers, I should say, have a black metallic finish to them with an olive-colored stone. And I wear them with my hair down, which makes the stones blend with my hair. Which makes them match, like, everything. I love wearing them with brown shirts.

However, lately, my one true passion is in the Mother of Pearl type earrings. Some confuse them for shells. I love shells in my jewelry too. But these earrings are made of Mother of Pearl. They are called "Frosted" by Lia Sophia. They are so cute and go with almost anything. The white actually pops against my dark hair. I wear them a lot with colored shirts that I don't want to look too matchy-matchy in. So I bust these puppies out. Aren't they cute?

And these are their junior equivalent. They are white Mother of Pearl too. But smaller. My mom bought these for me a few years ago, and they couldn't be more, well, cute. The picture doesn't do them justice because they are shiny and dainty and so versatile.

I have more earrings that I wear all the time, but they aren't as unique.

What's Been on my Mind Lately

2010-07-14T21:31:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already been six days since I last blogged. That's so weird. I was so good at it last year! What happened?? I think my job started getting busier. And when I'm working hard, it's hard to find the time to write. Creatively anyway.

Anyhoo, in exactly 5 weeks, I will be attending my company's National Sales Meeting. What's on my mind lately?

1. Heat.
2. Professionallism.
3. Comfort.
4. Versatility.

These are the four attributes of what my wardrobe has to consist of to be victorious at this year's meeting. And I cannot begin to tell you what a challenge this is.

First, heat. Last year our meeting was in San Antonio. In August. (Hoy.) I would step outside to cross the street to go to the convention center, and I'd instantly start pouring sweat. It was disgusting. I wanted to take off my long pants immediately and jump into the fake river. So, the fact that this year's meeting will be taking place in Anaheim, CA, (a place equally as warm), I am also concerned about heat and making sure my wardrobe leaves me feeling nice and cool, with no threat of head-sweating. (I'm a MAJOR head-sweater. Have I ever told you that?) Most people are like, just wear a skirt! Hee hee! Yippee! Sure, why didn't I think of that? Dude, have you seen my legs?! I abhor them. Abhor. I can't show them off in public!

Second, I am concerned about looking professional. I don't see 95% of the people I work with any other time of the year except at this meeting. This is the only "face time" I will have with them, so looking professional and put together is very important.

Third, comfort. Last year, I wore all these different high heels. They were very professional looking. Until they drew blood. I got blisters on my toes from doing so much ~~running~~ walking around the convention center, and by day 3, they were popping open and bleeding. It was embarrassing, and yes, unprofessional. However, this is a huge challenge for me because I hate spending more than $35 on a pair of shoes, and I wear a whopping SIZE ELEVEN. Dude, nobody carries that size. And if they do, the shoes are either very uncomfortable, or they are sold online where I can't try them on to make sure they are comfortable, or they are extremely expensive. Think $80 and higher. Not ok.

Fourth, versatility. My schedule is not my own at this convention. Which means I will be running from activity to activity. Some I'm standing (for hours on my feet in very uncomfortable shoes), other times I am walking about 2 miles (in my uncomfortable shoes), and other times I am able to sit and listen to a speaker (where I could get away with wearing the more attractive uncomfortable heels). I need my clothes and my shoes to reflect a sense of professionalism and put-togetherness, but I can't bleed! And I need to stay cool! And I need the versatility to allow me to go from function to function.

So, here's what I'm thinking...

Day 1 AM: Arrival day. Wear a pair of dark jeans for the plane ride with a "smart" looking jacket and flats. It will be inevitable that I will be traveling with my coworkers. I need to try to wear something as business casual as possible while still wearing jeans for comfort. The jacket will need to be short sleeved. Got it. Check, check, check. I'm good to go on this front.

Day 1 PM: Opening session is that afternoon. No standing. Just walking and sitting. I think I can get away with heels. And I'm actually thinking about a dress. See example below.

Ok, so it's hard to see, but this is the dress. The heels I wear with it are 4 inches. I'm hoping that once I am sitting down to hear the speaker, I can slip them off. Then I should be ok, right? I hope so.

Day 2 AM: Seven hours on my feet standing in front of a booth. Plenty of walking around the convention. Lord, help me find the right shoe. I have a uniform to wear during the day of a white company long-sleeved button-up shirt. (Who chose the long sleeves?? Rawr.) I need to wear black bottoms. I think I'm going with black capris to stay a little cooler. I just need to find the right shoe. I would love to have a heel on to help the legs look not so frightening, but I'm afraid comfort is key here. Again, Lord help me.

Day 2 PM: Sit down dinner and a speaker. No uniform. I would like to go with something different as I'm sure I will be SO OVER the stiff uniform from the morning. It would be nice to change into something a little more me. Can I do a longer pant here? Will the weather be cooler? I feel safer in a longer pant, cute top, heels, and jewelry. I'm hoping to do that here. I just hope my feet won't be aching from the day.

Day 3 AM: Same exact schedule as Day 2 AM, but a black button-up long-sleeved shirt instead of a white one. Here, I'm thinking about actually wearing a skirt. But I need to find one that is TO my knee, not above it. And again, Lord help me find those comfortable SIZE ELEVEN shoes.

Day 3 PM: Formal evening. I have a black dress. I found SIZE ELEVEN dress shoes online. Yes, they are heels. But they are only 3 inches, instead of the 4 1/2 inch MONSTERS I wore (and cried in!) last year. I'm all set with that evening. Most of it will be sitting.

Day 4: Going home day. Again, jeans and a professional top since I will be traveling with many co-workers again. I think I'm ok here too.

So, all in all, that's what's been on my mind. How do I make this work for me? Finding a skirt that is long enough to cover up the fat, without being too expensive. Shoes that won't make me bleed while walking several miles throughout the day, or standing for 7 hours straight. So many things to think about.

Let Freedom Ring

2010-07-08T21:06:00.001-05:00

I wish I was posting about the fantabulous Fourth of July celebration we had this past weekend. But the truth is, we didn't do much of anything.

I actually ran into a coworker at the grocery store on Saturday morning. She was dressed in red, white, and blue "garb" and I asked her what she was doing for the Fourth, and she closed her eyes and said, "Nothing! I am so excited!"

"Yeah, us too." I replied. But I was kinda feeling weird about it. I wanted to do something. But my kids can't stay up late enough to see fireworks (what I really wanted to do), they are too young to play with sparklers (the other thing I was in the mood to do), and the only parade I knew about was taking place down in my parent's town on Monday, when it was supposed to rain. Bad.

So, there we were on 4th of July weekend with nothing to do but six loads of laundry. And three of us had a cold.

I have no pictures to show of that. But what I do have is pictures of jewelry.

LOL.

Why am I posting pictures of jewelry?

Well, because, lately, I have come to the realization that I am completely addicted. to. Lia. Sophia. jewelry.

And, I discovered that all the pieces I wanted to buy, but couldn't because it is CRAZY expensive, can be sold for pennies on the dollar on EBAY.

NICE.

So, for the next few days, I think I'll post some pics of my jewelry just because I'm an addict and that's what addicts do.

I think.

Um, ok. I'll start with just showing you pictures of my 3 Lia Sophia rings. I actually bought these prior to my eBay discovery, but that's ok. They were worth every penny. I love that Lia Sophia carries my honkin' sizes 9 and 10!

Here is ring #1. I got this in a larger size so I can wear it on my middle finger. It looks really cute when I wear it with long sleeves. It's a pretty chill ring. I love it.

This is the Abloom ring. I saw a coworker wear this style of ring a few years back. It actually caught my eye while she was typing. I was like, "WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR RING??? IT'S BEAUTIFUL!!!"

She was all, "Oh, do you like it? I got it at JC Penny!" And I was all, "Oh."

Matt and I have a joke about JC Penny. One time he said that people who shop regularly at JC Penny call it "Penny's". The next day, my dad explained how he bought his new jeans at "Penny's".

I laughed my butt off.

He didn't know why.

But anyway, when I saw this ring, I wanted it. It sparkled and called to me. And I accepted.

This is my newest purchase. It's called the Panache ring. It's really big and chunky. It is a dome ring and I wear it on my middle finger.

The gray swirly stuff is enamel. I decided that I'm all about enamel. Some really nice enamel rings I found online can be upwards of $300.

Hoy. I wish.

When I first showed Matt a picture of this ring, he winced and said, "That looks like warts!"

I said, "They are diamonds!"

"Don't get that," he said.

So I ordered it.

I don't think he realizes that I ordered the wart ring. Cause he's seen it on. Not once did he mention the diamonds look like warts. They are actually pretty sparkly. (Sparkly = Love it.)

P.S. They are not actual diamonds. They are cubic zirconia. You catch my drift.

Those are the rings. More jewelry discussion to come...

Perfumania

2010-07-02T23:07:00.001-05:00

Perfume.

I never really got into it growing up. Like when I was a kid and stuff.

Then, one day in high school, I walked in to the Gap, spritzed some of this stuff on, and fell in love.

Gap Dream.

I wore it all the time. Every time I got low, I bought some more. It was the perfect scent for me. It was the only scent for me. I wore it for 5 years.

For some reason, I stopped wearing it. Maybe I thought it was too young for me.

I remember I was waiting tables one time, and this really beautiful girl walked in smelling amazing. I asked her what she was wearing and she said, "Romantic" by Ralph Lauren.

Wow. Maybe I need to give that a try.

So I bought that instead. Yes, I wanted to be like the beautiful girl.

It lasted for a little while, but Matt said he didn't like it that much. So I stopped wearing it.

I wore Clinique "Happy" for a while, because someone bought it for me as a gift, but it never really seemed like me either.

Then I went perfume shopping and ended up with J Lo's "Still" and Beyonce's "True Star". They both smelled more like me, but still not me all the way.

I've been going naked in the smell department for about a year now. And I've been feeling just that --

Naked.

On an airplane ride home one day in April, I was reading a trashy magazine and I came across an ad for Chanel Mademoiselle. I usually don't spend time smelling those things, but Chanel is a grown-up perfume, isn't it? Let's have a whiff...

Sniff sniff.

Hmmm. That actually smells pretty good. Not heavy like I thought it would.

A few weeks later, I look it up online and see it's like $80 and higher. Yipe. Ignore...

Then the other day, I was in Macy's to return something, and I passed by the perfume counter. "Madam, would you like a spritz???" A woman dressed in all black with matching black eyeliner looked down her nose at me, waiting for my answer.

"Uh, what are you spraying?"

"Chanel Mademoiselle."

"Yes, please!"

So she spritzed. I sniffed. I coughed. My eyes were watering. My nose was burning. Man that stuff was strong.

"Hoy! That stuff is pretty strong!"

"This is the Eau de Parfum. We also have an Eau de Toilette, which is 20% diluted in alcohol, so it won't stay on your skin as long, but it is also 20% cheaper than the Eau de Parfum."

"Well, either way, I think it is too heavy. That smells way different than it did in the magazine."

"Well, you have to remember the magazines are sitting in a box for anywhere from 8 to 10 weeks before they are delivered."

"Ummm, ok. Yes, I'll have to remember that."

"Here, try this. It's called 'Chance'."

Spritz.

Hmm. It was better, but still pretty strong.

"Thank you. I think I'm going to try both of these out on my wrists today. If I love either one of them by the end of the day, I'll come back."

The lady took a step back, lifted her nose, and walked away.

Lovely.

So I drove home. When I was talking on my phone, I was holding it up with my left hand. I could smell Mademoiselle, and it was a familiar scent.

Who does this smell like? I wondered.

I kept thinking. Thinking. It's a recent scent. Who wore it?

Gasp!

I know! Sasha! My friend Sasha has this!

I dial her.

"Sasha?! Hey! Hey, what perfume do you wear? Mademoiselle? I knew it!!!"

And so it went.

Sorry, but I just don't do other people's scents. Mademoiselle is out.

I thought about it more that night. Why don't I do other people's scents? Why can't I find one that feels like ME? Why do I find them all too strong???

Then, a light went on. The last time, the only time, I felt like a scent was me, was when I wore Gap Dream in high school. Why did I stop? Cause it's a "cheap" perfume? Cause it's too young for me? Maybe my scent is a lighter perfume and that's why it's cheap. Ever think of that?

Well, it didn't take me long to decide. I'm going back to the scent that is me. The one that screams Heidi.

Thank you, ebay, for carrying it after it's discontinuation. I hope I love it as much as I used to. And if I do, I hope all the fine ebay perfume sellers will continue to carry it.

What a Stud

2010-06-30T16:01:00.003-05:00

"Bucky, I love you."

"I You!"

"No, but I love you."

"I You!"

"Love you, Baby."

"I You, Mommy!"

Whatever chick lands this stud muffin better realize....

...I had him first.

My Little Autumn Rayne

2010-06-29T05:30:00.001-05:00

At the ripe old age of 3 1/4, my little girl is growing up. She's no longer the fussy baby she used to be, nor is she the whiny toddler she just was. Slowly, but surely, she has become this beautiful, happy, loving little girl.

The past few months, I have been completely spoiled by this girl. She has been filling my days with random and many sayings of "I love you, Mom" with a satisfied smile of contentment on her face. In the car, at the dinner table, getting picked up from school.

I can't begin to describe what a good feeling that is for me. The feeling that I'm doing something right. That all my hugs and kisses and telling her I love her is getting to her. She knows. She knows that Matt and I will love her forever and love her no matter what. Even right after she disobeys us and we have to discipline her, we grab her into a big hug and remind her that we are punishing her to teach her how to be a good girl. And we are doing that because we love her like crazy.

Last night, I was in her bedroom. She sleeps in a little toddler bed. I was sitting next to her bed as I tucked her in. I'm sure I was talking about something. Maybe it was, "Autumn, no getting out of bed tonight, ok?"

Right after I said it, she covered my mouth with her tiny hand. I looked at her. She was staring at her hand covering my mouth and said, "Mom, don't talk anymore." I froze, blinking, waiting for her next statement. It's always a surprise to hear what comes out of Autumn Rayne's mouth next.

"Mom, I just love you. I love you so much." She looked me right in the eye when she said it. And then she looked down at her hand again. She didn't take her hand away. She held it there. And I sat there. Realizing.

Realizing that this moment was going to be one of the most beautiful moments of my life. That they happen too quickly. That they happen more than I think, but I forget them. In that moment, I chose not to forget this moment. It's one of the moments that I realized, because I listened, that my daughter loves me too.

My cup overflows, sweetie. Oh how it overflows.

Tears began to form in my eyes. She's so beautiful. One escaped and rolled down my cheek. When it hit her hand, she looked up and realized I was crying. "Mom, is this a tear?" she asked as she finally pulled her little hand away. Her other hand held the tear on her finger as she looked at it, and then me, with a puzzled look.

"Yes. Mommy loves you so much, Baby."

"Mom, why are you crying?" she asked as she cocked her head, slightly confused.

"It's because I love you. Sometimes people cry when they are happy too."

"Oh." And she wiped the tear off on her pajamas.

I wrapped her up in my arms gave her a huge kiss on the cheek, told her I loved her again, and laid her down for bed.

And with that, the moment was finished. It was complete. But it remains in my heart forever.

I love my daughter and she loves me. Nothing can take that away. My love has not been in vain. It has been received. And returned. And it comes back again.

Spooky Skies

2010-06-28T14:11:00.002-05:00

This is the road behind my house right before a big storm. It's so spooky and warm outside. I love it.

The storms have been hitting our area lately. It's such a great time of year--my favorite weather.

One night last week, there was so much lightning in the sky, it was flickering through my windows as I lay there trying to fall asleep. It actually woke me up out of my half sleep and got me curious.

"What's going on out there?" I wondered.

The rest of my house was asleep, so I crept down the stairs and snuck outside to my front porch. All the houses in my neighborhood were dark. And the sky lit up with flickers of constant lightning. Some light rain began to pour. I was kept dry under the awning of the house, but I could smell the rain. And as the raindrops hit my railing, they splashed on my toes. It made me smile.

It brought me back to years of growing up and watching the rainstorms on the front porch of my parents' house. We had a long covered porch. When it was cold, I'd wrap myself in a blanket and stare out into the darkness. Nobody knew I was there. Just like today.

Yet, today, the feeling was different. When I was younger, nobody knew I was out there, and nobody was looking for me. It was the perfect time for solitude. For meditating. For dreaming. I was alone. With just me and my thoughts. No responsibility.

Now, things have changed. While I wanted so badly to be out there enjoying the mysterious weather, and have the same feeling I used to, I feared that I was doing something wrong. What if my children woke up afraid of the storms and I wasn't there to console them because I didn't hear them cry from inside the house? What if my husband woke up and couldn't find me? What if he did find me and thought I was a looney-bin for sitting outside in the rain?

I didn't want any of that. But, I didn't want to leave my safe retreat either. It was my getaway. It had been my hideout for so many years.

While realizing this, I shed a tear.

So many things have changed about my life now that I'm married. Now that I'm a mother. While it has made my life so much more full, at times, I also feel like I have been stolen from. It hurts. It's hard to accept. It's confusing. And I feel guilty for sometimes feeling that way. Like I am being selfish.

Little things like sitting in the rain, my favorite things, don't feel the same. I don't have the same "freedom" that I used to. I miss it. I miss me. I miss really being able to discover who I am, without the extra responsibility. And I battle with this all the time. I should be grateful for a wonderful family who I love and who loves me. Yet, there are so many times I feel empty inside of it all.

I don't know when and how I will eventually get myself back. Am I just a new person and I will learn how to adapt to my life with responsibilites? Or will I have more time to focus on myself once my children go off to college? All this, I don't know. But it is the thought on my mind lately.

Meet Griffin

2010-06-23T20:47:00.001-05:00

This little man is Griffin. He just happens to be one of the cutest three-year-olds around.

Aren't his eyes gorgeous?? And his beautiful golden hair so incredibly cute?!

He was born exactly one month after my little girl.

And at his first birthday party, he layed one on her. He gave Autumn her first little boy kiss.

I mean, seriously. How cute are they together?! Don't you think they should get married??

His mom, Erin and I are totally planning it. And it all starts with their first date to go see

Toy Story 3.

Erin and I can't wait.

Autumn's First Week of School

2010-06-20T21:27:00.000-05:00

Last Monday was the big day. Autumn's first day of preschool. Here's Autumn right before we left.

She was so thrilled to have a brand new backpack that she got to pick out herself. She looks so cute in it. Every day when I dropped her off, she just had to wear her backpack on her back as she walked into the school.

We all dropped her off together as a family on Monday. She cried. And then we cried.

You know, I never had a hard time dropping her off at daycare or in someone else's care before this, so I thought this wouldn't be hard. But it was the hardest thing I ever did. All those kids and only one teacher. She definitely won't get the attention she's used to.

Four out of the five mornings this week, she cried. But every afternoon when we went to go pick her up, she had a huge smile on her face, told me all of the things she did and friends she made, and now she talks about school constantly. We've already seen some great benefits from transitioning her over to school (vs. an at-home babysitter).

I just hope that she eventually stops crying in the mornings. It makes my heart sad. I love her.

A Souvenir

2010-06-14T20:09:00.001-05:00

Shortly after Matt and I were married, my In-laws surprised the whole family with an all-expenses-paid trip to Maui. It was awesome. It was truly one of the best vacations I've ever been on. I remember that I kept saying to myself that it was heaven on earth. I was amazed. So I called my sister and implored her to spend her honeymoon there.

One of the coolest places I found to shop in Maui was Kaanapali Beach. (I'm probably getting that spelling wrong.) I remember that they had a Tommy Bahama store there, and the instant I walked in, I realized for the first time, what being rich was. The store smelled beautiful. The decor was so tasteful and beachy. And the clothing was top notch quality. I may or may not have had my mouth gaped open as I walked throughout the store.

I remember taking a look at some of the home goods they sold there. So much of it incorporated sea life and starfish. I told myself that if I was rich, this would be the way to live. Then Matt snapped me out of my dreamy state and said he was moving on to the Tshirt shop. I wanted to beg him to stay. I think I may have. But I think he reminded me (abruptly) that we couldn't afford a $60 seashell candle and we should go. Sad.

Fast forward to the second best vacation I've ever been on. Disney World! So much of Disney World was filled with fun fun FUN. It was a blast with very young children. I can't wait to see how much fun we would have once they both could run around and not need naps! Whoo hoo!

Anyway, my kids both got their fair share of souvenirs. A hat for Buck. A necklace for Autumn. And on and on it went.

Aside from Goofy's Candy Co, there wasn't many souvenirs I found that interested me. I didn't exactly want to own a Minnie Mouse hoodie or a figurine of a castle. Nor would any of it "go" in my house.

But on our last night there, we went to Downtown Disney. And at one of the last little shops we passed by, I saw a mannequin in the window wearing this:

It caught my eye as I pushed the stroller past. And I stopped.

That looks way cute on "her"! (The mannequin)

"Matt, let's go in here. I want to look at the jewelry."

I went right in. Found it. Tried it on. Loved it. And now I had it. My one souvenir.

It reminded me of the women's jewelry at Tommy Bahama. (Even though the cost and probably the quality is way different.)

I loved the shells and the cute little flowers. I needed it. I had nothing that it would go with. But I needed it. Besides, everybody else in the family got a souvenir! Why couldn't I have one?

A few weeks ago, I found the cutest top at Banana Republic. And it just happens to match the necklace perfectly. Thank you, Banana. I appreciate it.

Now I can sport my fancy new ~~Winnie the Pooh~~ Tommy Bahama necklace.

Autumn Starts Preschool Tomorrow!

2010-06-13T08:59:00.001-05:00

My little chickadee starts preschool tomorrow. TOMORROW.

Where did the time go? She's three already and starting preschool.

I called the school and asked what we need to bring. They said:

A change of clothes

A blanket and pillow

A backpack

And

A pencil box.

A PENCIL BOX??? Sniff sniff...

My little girl is in school. My little baby. In big kids SCHOOL.

I'm scared.

Wrinkly Beauty

2010-06-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

Many times what I love about other people is their "flawed" attribute.

The colic in their hair.

They way they bite their lip with that crooked smile when they talk.

Their bald head.

Their overbite.

The way their eyelashes turn down.

Their frizzy crazy hair.

The lines around their eyes from all their smiling.

Their big nose that just "suits" them.

My husband laughs at me because when I wave, my fingers are always together in a tight wave. He laughs and imitates me. And then I laugh.

It's weird, I know. But because he loves it, I love it.

My husband walks around with the biggest forearms I have ever seen on a man his size. They don't fit. And he turns his fists back when he walks. It's hilarious. And completely endearing. I could watch him and his forearms and his fists all day long and constantly say "I love you" over and over again in my mind. Because he's so beautiful to me.

My mother has one tooth longer than the other. Just by a hair. When she smiles, it makes me smile bigger. I love her smile. It's beautiful. It's sometimes goofy. And it makes me happier.

My daughter walks around with a bend in her knees all the time. It's weird. It's like she's carrying a heavy weight on her shoulders. But it's so freaking cute at the same time. She has little chicken legs and just kinda bounces when she walks. I love it. I could watch it all day long.

My sister completely wrinkles her nose just on one side every time she smiles. I was editing the photos from Mother's Day and over and over again I found myself smiling and shaking my head. Why did God make her that way? It's so cute. There's literally a shadow that was cast from her wrinkling her nose--just on the one side.

He must like the weird things we all have going on. Maybe that's what keeps it interesting for Him.

I wish I could see myself in this light. Realize that my imperfections are part of what makes me ME. And that makes me beautiful.

This Kid Has Got Me

2010-06-08T22:36:00.007-05:00

Mmmm...yum yum. Snack-a-licious!

Can't get enough of this kid of mine.

Heather's Sophisticated Baby Shower

2010-06-05T15:42:00.001-05:00

I'm going to pretend that everyone who reads my blog looks up to me for shower-throwing advice, just like all the followers of Ruffles and Stuff look up to Disney for advice on pretty much everything.

(Her blog is way cute. And even though I don't sew, for the first time in my life, it makes me want to.)

Anyway, I threw a baby shower for my sister, so I thought I'd share what I did on the preparation side of things, just in case any of you would like some ideas for the future.

And let me also just say that the colors and pretty much everything else was stolen inspired by this blog post here. (Heather, I know I asked you what colors you wanted, but I have to admit, I swayed the conversation to go my way towards the brown and aqua!)

I'm not going in any particular order...

So here are the four gift bags for the game winners. Each bag came plain. I added the letter stickers to spell out "baby" and the ribbon ties on the sides. These were my favorite part of the decorations. I just thought the color of the bags were too cute, and I'm really happy with the way they turned out with the ribbons "casually" tied to the sides.

These were displayed as a backdrop to the chocolate-covered pretzels tied with aqua ribbon. The guests could grab them as they left the party.

I had two different "stations" where guests could keep busy. This is the first station. It was a game called "Guess the Girth".

Here's my little girl getting really curious and getting into everything. "Autumn, please don't touch that, ok? Do you want some M&M's?" (distraction)

I placed M&M's at every station.

I think my kids were the only ones who ate them.

Here are the instructions. Basically, the guests grab a long string with a card attached. They write their name on it and cut it to size of their best guess of Heather's baby belly circumference. Then we measured them all up. The closest string won.

Jessica won! Congrats Jess!

P.S. On the bottom of my sign, I have little safety pin charms dangling down. Aren't they so cute??

Here is station #2. The idea definitely came from the Ruffles and Stuff post. I am so not that creative!

I called this the Blessing Tree.

(Fun thing to note: The circle fans hanging in the windows--the inspiration came from the Nie Nie Dialogues from back in the day. I didn't have time to look through her archives, but think at least 3 years ago. I used these fans in front of all the windows to tie in the theme colors.)

So I found a bunch of tree branches and potted them in a bed of broken seashells to make the blessing tree. I also wired a few plastic "leaves" I found at Michael's to it.

I wanted guests to write Heather a little blessing to encourage her through her pregnancy and having a new baby. It can be a crazy time in a woman's life, so I thought she could read a blessing or two whenever she needed a bit of encouragement here or there.

It just so happens that my sister is the best baby-swaddler EVER. She used to work with the newborn babies when she was a nurse in the "I just had a baby" ward.

I had the cards, pens, and pipe cleaners (used to tie the blessing to the tree) displayed in a 3-part Crate and Barrel dish.

I love Crate and Barrel dishes, so this was an excuse opportunity to use them.

Pom poms! Thank you, Disney, for showing me these!

I sincerely believe that this is the sophisticated version of streamers. Aren't they so fun?? We hung these in different sizes above the tables and put a few huge ones above the seating areas. They were one of my favorite parts of the decor.

Here's one of our tables. I bought plain brown tablecloths, but needed a punch of color, so I bought a paper tablecloth with a design on it, and cut off the two sides (since the middle of it was only white) and made each side of the tablecloth into a table runner. I had enough paper to cover 3 long tables and the two different stations.

More pom poms!!

Here is a close up shot of the table.

The cake.

Enter here the angelic sound of a distant children's choir.

Heather told me that all she wanted was a 2-tiered cake that wasn't too "cutesy" (meaning, covered in baby stuff). I walked into the bakery (ahem, that would be Lovin Oven Cakery--my husband's family's bakery, the best bakery in the world) with a bunch of inspirational pictures for cakes.

But then I saw this cake in the window, and I was all "Oh, just give me that cake in the window, but make it brown and aqua. Oh, and you can put it on my husband's tab!"

We decided to just have a dessert shower since my dad lost his job and I didn't want my parents paying for the food. So I got all the desserts from the bakery.

Here's what the table looked like.

Brownies are always a huge hit.

Fun fact: The brownies with the "boobs" do not have any nuts.

Hee hee...I like saying that fact.

At the last minute, I added on an order of cheesecake bites. Originally, I only wanted desserts that matched the shower color palette. But these made the cut as an option other than chocolate. And although I hate any kind of fruit but fresh fruit, and I almost didn't want to order the strawberry version of this, I'm glad I did. The guests loved them.

Eclairs! People act like they don't like eclairs sometimes.

But a fight broke out between my sister and my aunt who was in town for a visit. Each fought to take home the extra tray of eclairs after the shower. Who gets it? The pregnant one? Or the aunt from out of town who "doesn't get to go to Lovin Oven all the time because she doesn't live here".

I honestly had no idea Heather wanted them. Otherwise, I wouldn't have given them to Aunt Sue. Sorry Heather!

These were a last-minute addition as well. Matt added these. They are mousse cups. Strawberry, Chocolate, and Dreamsicle.

A sophisticated shower must have fresh flowers. (Added bling on the ends of all ribbons tied.)

Plates and napkins...

We also had nuts there. The kind of nuts that you just keep eating. Cause they're salty. And they remind you that you really like nuts. And you can't remember why you don't eat them more often cause they are so good.

P.S. Isn't this a great shot?? I am practicing with my new camera. I really like this shot.

I probably should have put this picture up near the station pictures cause that's where I talked about them. Color-coordinated!

Heather, I hope you liked everything! I had a blast planning it! Congratulations again!

When You're Having a Bad Day...Buy Yourself Some New Jewelry!

2010-06-04T13:45:00.004-05:00

One great thing about Lia Sophia jewelry is that if you don't really like it after a few months, or you ordered it because it looked awesome in the catalog, but it didn't actually go with anything you own, you can return it.

NICE.

I ordered two necklaces from Lia back in December. One was a chunky long silver necklace. I loved it in the catalog. It was shiny and silver. And as we all know, I'm a sucker for the combo. (Shiny + Silver = Heidi's fav!) But when I showed it to Matt, he jumped back and said, "Whoa! Handcuffs!" because the chain is made out of geometric shapes like circles, squares, diamonds, etc.

After he said that, I was like, "Oh my gosh! It totally looks like handcuffs! Oh no!"

I wore it once to church. Got compliments. But it was very heavy and felt like it pulled my neck down. And all I could think was, Handcuffs!

The other necklace I bought was much more light-weight and shorter. It was called the Trio and had 3 rectangular stones connected to each other hanging from the chain. It was cool cause the stones were 3 different colors of purple and pink and I love myself some lavendar or light pink shirts in the spring or summer. (Pastel = so pretty)

But when I put it on with what I owned, it hung too low over my shirts. And besides, lately I've been leaning towards more of the chunkier jewelry, and this was more on the circa 2004 spectrum.

Anyhoo, I decided that I wanted to exchange them for new rings, so I exchanged the two necklaces for two new Lia Sophia rings. You can see the rings here and here. (Sorry I don't have pictures. Their website won't let me copy them.)

I am so excited! I can't wait for them to come in the mail!

So, this has now put me into the "I wonder what other rings are out there for my purchase" mode.

Check out the other rings I uncovered on the internet:

Oooh! I think white jewelry is so feminine and cool. And this is so chunky! Love it.

This ring is stunning. Have you ever seen anything like it? Imagine running across a cool chick who had this on her finger. Wouldn't you think, "Wow! That is so cool!"

Too bad it costs over $100...

I am always looking for something to wear with my "I have way too many" black shirts. This would be perfect.

Except it's going against my new realization--that black jewelry gets lost with black shirts, so therefore you should probably wear colored jewelry when you wear black.

I love aqua. I need to post pictures of my sister's shower that had aqua everywhere. I think I need to incorporate aqua into my house somewhere. Cause it's that pretty.

I don't know that I'm crazy about this color pink. But yet, somehow, with the right outfit, it works.

I'm not one for "stones" in my jewelry. It's a little too HSN for me. But if I were, I would go for this one. The color is so pretty.

I really like green jewelry. When I saw this ring, I gasped. I love it. And it's only $30. (Compared to the over $100 rings.) Wouldn't it be perfect for a middle finger ring?

This one is so unique. I think it would look pretty on. I think if I saw somone else wearing it, I'd want it for my very own.

One of my favorites! So cute!

This one could go either way. It could be really cute and pop on someone's hand. Or it could look tacky. I'm hoping it looks cute on...not that I'm ordering it or anything.

I'm not a gold jewelry girl. Not yet. But if I were, this would be cute.

So, now that I've shown you some chunky rings, which one do you think is the cutest???

Are you into chunky jewelry?

Pictures That Make Me Cry

2010-05-26T20:41:00.001-05:00

The same day I took pictures of my sister and Jared, I also took pictures of my parents.

This picture, by far, is the best picture I have of my parents. Just look at them.

I love them so much.

This is is exactly how I want to remember my parents.

Happy. Laughing. Contented.

Whenever I see this picture, it brings hot burning tears to my eyes. It reminds me of how overwhelming my love is for my parents. How much I love them. Even now, the tears are streaming down my face.

I mean, look at how beautiful my mother is. Look at that smile.

I love you guys so much.

Last night, I was going through the last download of pictures we recently took with my new camera, and I was very pleased to get this shot out of my daughter. (The girl who doesn't smile.)

Well, she smiles. But never while she's looking at the camera. If she does, it's certainly not long enough for my 80-second delay point-and-shoot camera.

But look at this picture I caught of her with my fancy dancy new camera! Oh how I love her!

Isn't she so beautiful?! Love those sparkly starry eyes. And that delicate white skin. And her beautiful hair that is getting long against her shoulders.

When she smiles, she excites my heart. I ache for her smiles. She's just so beautiful.

And then, of course, I ran across pictures of my little Buck right after a bath. My little man. He is so darn cute.

Can you get a more serious face out of such a little guy? I can smooch those cheeks for hours. Do you know that they jiggle every time he walks?

And those deep brown eyes. So handsome. Give me a freshly bathed son any day of the week, and you'll find me buried in his neck somewhere smooching him like crazy.

He's so awesome. Love you, Buck. You're my Baby Baby.

All three of these pictures make me cry.

They remind me how much I am truly blessed.

Half-Psychotic Sick Hypnotic

2010-05-22T11:34:00.001-05:00

Tuesday morning, Autumn woke up and barfed in her bed.

"What are we going to do?" I looked at my husband. We couldn't send her to Rachel's barfing. Rachel just put in new wood floors. And she takes care of other little bambinos.

"She'll be fine. It's all that pineapple I gave her last night. I'll give her a bath and we'll drop her off at Rachel's."

That decision didn't sit right with me. But I had several meetings to go to, so I proceeded because I wanted to believe Autumn would be ok.

You can't give a barfing kid milk, so I decided to give her some V8 Splash. I told her she couldn't eat breakfast cause barfers don't eat.

She seemed fine.

Then when I was driving the kids to Rachel's, Autumn started whining.

"Autumn, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

No answer. Hmmm. That's weird.

I kept asking but Autumn kept whining, which turned into crying.

Then I pulled into Rachel's driveway, opened Autumn's door and it happens.

Autumn's eyes get big, she wretches, and SPLASH! Red V8 Splash all over the back seat. Three times in a row.

Then Rachel opens her back door. "Good morning!"

"Hi. Um, Autumn just threw up in the backseat. Do you have some paper towels?"

Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I pick up the kids from Rachel's. For the last two days Autumn has had a slight fever, no barfing, and some "loose stool". Rachel informs me that Autumn "isn't herself".

"Autumn, do you feel ok?" I ask as I rub her back and give her a side hug.

"Um, yeah," she says rubbing her eyes.

"Bucky needs new shoes. Is it ok if we go to the store today?" I ask her.

"Um, yeah."

So we hop in the car. I start driving towards the mall. Halfway there, Autumn starts whining again.

"Autumn, what's wrong?"

"I don't wanna go to the store! I want to go to Mommy's house!" she's crying.

"Autumn, Mommy asked you if it was ok if we could go to the store and you said yes. So that's where we're going."

30 seconds later, "I need more water!" she cries from the backseat as she's sucking it down.

"Autumn, you have enough water. What's wrong?"

WRETCH!

All over the backseat. I literally hear splatters. She throws up 3 times again. Long ones. Loud ones. Splashy ones. They sound soupy.

And I remember my laptop is sitting on the floor right near her feet.

Sigh.

"Mom! Mom! I feel better!" she is smiling from the backseat. "Look, Mom! It's chicken in there!"

She found her lunch. Mmm. Yummy.

I do a U-turn to head back to my house. I guess Bucky's fat feet are going to have to squish into his size 5's a little longer.

"Mom?! It's icky back here!" Autumn's disgusted look reflected in the rear view mirror as she starts flicking her feet up in the air to "git it offa dere!"

I look back and catch Michael staring at Autumn in shock, like, "What just happened here??" His mouth was hanging open, and he kept looking around at the upchuck soup.

Ten minutes later I pull into our neighborhood and pull the kids out of the car. I had to undress Autumn, who was covered in bile from head to toe, in the garage. Then both kids went right into the bath.

Later that night, I had the chance to finally go back out to the car and assess all the damage and try to clean up.

Let's just say it was gross and it took me an hour.

I threw the booster seat cover and all her clothes and all the clean-up towels into the wash. And I wiped the car and the booster seat down.

The next morning, I got the kids ready to go. Autumn's fever was gone. The color was back in her face. She felt great.

I grabbed the freshly washed booster seat cover out of the dryer and the plastic booster seat out of the garage and I began to reassemble the booster seat in the living room.

It was weird. Even though everything was washed, it still smelled sour like her puke.

I flipped the booster seat over to check the bottom of it, and then it hit me. Literally. My lap was covered in it.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to know. I really didn't. Please, no.

I opened my eyes and lifted the seat up to find a fresh batch of her you-know-what all over my lap. And it was now dripping all over the carpet and the freshly washed booster cover.

Heidi exits and begins to cry here.

Not really. But I wanted to.

I spent a half hour cleaning that up. I'm running late. I bring the kids outside to load them up into the car. It was raining. I put Autumn in first, and then I turn around.

I see Michael waist-deep sitting in a rain puddle. Wet. From head to toe. And mud is dripping into his eyes. And he's smiling.

"Michael! What are you doing?!?" I grab him out of the puddle and bring him in the house. Strip him down, change his clothes, and wash his face.

He was mad at me for taking him out of his swimming pool.

Have I ever told you how much fun it is to be a mother???

A Stay at Home Mother

2010-05-18T11:14:00.000-05:00

If I were a stay at home mother, I imagine my house would be very clean.

And everything would always stay organized and in it's place.

All the bills would be paid on time.

My nails would be polished.

My legs would be shaved.

I would work out twice a day, so I would be very thin and fit.

I would take hundreds of pictures.

They'd turn out so good because I had so much practice.

(My children would be my favorite subjects.)

I'd write a new blog post every day.

I would go to the grocery store a few times a week so I had the freshest produce and meat possible.

I'd cook the most amazing healthy meals.

And I'd be on my knees in prayer for my husband and my children.

Time and priorities would not pull at me anymore. If I were a stay at home mom.

This Old Man

2010-05-17T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today, at work, I attended something called Inclusion Training.

Yeah, I had no idea what that meant either.

But my VP said I should go.

So I went.

The instructor was a 76-year-old man.

He was awesome.

Seriously, who still works at 76 years old?

This guy defied American culture by working at that age. He loves his job, and it shows. He did a fantastic job.

I am officially inspired by his message.

I have a belief that people who work longer live longer healthier lives. Cause seriously, what are you supposed to do with your life once you retire? Walk around? Plant stuff?

I hope that when I'm 76, I'm as sharp as this guy is. How cool.

It's That Time of Year

2010-05-16T14:12:00.000-05:00

The other day, my husband brought up a good point.

He said that I worry about things that usually figure things out for themselves.

I had no idea what he was talking about.

Until today.

You see, we've had plans to do something with friends or family every weekend since our vacation.

So when I realized this week that we had nothing planned for this weekend, I began to panic.

Oh no! What are we going to do? Stare at each other in boredom??

Today, after church, Matt had us pick up some food and sit at a park near Lake Andrea and eat.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, the water was rippling.

And Bucky could wander around the grassy field to his heart's content coming back to us whenever he wanted a bite of his lunch.

It was a little cold out, but I still had a good time.

Why?

Because my daughter looked beautiful in her blue green dress. And my son's cheeks jiggled when he walked away looking like a confused old man. And my husband was being a wonderful father holding his girl when she got cold and making sure she had enough to eat.

Then it all came back to me. Last year, when it was warm out, we did stuff like this all the time after church on Sundays.

We spent time together as a family.

I loved it. And I want to do it again.

I love my family. I love spending time as Us.

My Mother's Day Gift

2010-05-11T22:04:00.002-05:00

For Mother's Day, my wonderful husband bought me this guy:

My dream has come true.

I can be a real blogger right now. With real pictures.

Cause every picture I've ever taken up until now has been fuzzy.

Not as clear.

Junky.

So now, of course, I think I'm the bomb-diggity DAWG of taking pictures.

I bought a $10 digital photography book.

I read 14 pages of it so far.

Oh, and I read about 10 posts from The Pioneer Woman on photography.

All on Saturday night.

So I think I completely understand everything now on how to take a perfect picture.

It's all about light.

And not using a flash.

And taking the pictures outdoors as much as possible.

That's it! Now you can be a perfect picture-taker too!

So on Mother's Day, after my family headed out for a $40/person brunch (choke, cough cough...), we hung out at my Mom and Dad's.

And I announced, "Hey, let's all head outside to take some pictures!"

So we did.

Here is the first of what I took:

Heather and Jared. Awww!

This is my older sister and her husband.

I almost said big sister.

I can't say that. Cause she's pregganito.

And pregnant peeps don't like to be called big.

I should know. I was a LARGE pregnant one.

Here she is sporting her heels...

Just a little too tall for Mr. J.

He finds that funny.

Hee hee...

Awww! Isn't she REAL cute?!

I would also like to point out that her necklace is way cute too.

Hollah to all the cute PG women out there who dress cute when they feel like CRAP.

Hollah!!!

Hold the belly.

Touch the belly.

I love this picture. It's so cute and hilarious.

Off-center creative shot.

Does it work here??

The very proud father-to-be.

Making a very Jared-like face.

Love this dreamy shot of my sis.

The aqua-colored sky in the background makes it look soooo...dreamy.

Don't we love aqua skies??

This, to me, is my sister.

Love ya, Heath.

You make me laugh.

Here's me.

Hiding my belly behind my sister's belly.

If only I could hide my thighs...

My brother-in-law is pretty good at taking pictures, huh?

Jared, skip the construction career.

Go for photography! You're great at it!

-----------------------------------------------

P.S. Thanks, Matthew, for my awesome new camera.

I love you too.

This was the best Mother's Day EVER.

Moms Drive Minivans

2010-05-05T20:43:00.000-05:00

My husband's dream is for me to drive a minivan.

I made the mistake of listening to him when he suggested we rent one when we went on vacation in Florida.

I have to admit it was really nice having the extra room. We had that sucker loaded up with 2 strollers, 2 car seats, luggage, groceries, and several other miscellaneous items, and we didn't even fill a quarter of it. It was amazing.

Cause my Jeep would be filled to the max with the 2 car seats and 2 strollers.

Matt also likes me to remind me that our garage is barely wide enough for two cars and opening doors to the Jeep or Grand Prix is especially difficult when both cars are parked side by side in the garage.

Having a button on my keychain that can open the doors by sliding them back really would be nice.

But...

A minivan is not cool.

It's just not.

Soccer moms who wear mom jeans, thick-soled leather clogs, and thin gold necklaces drive minivans.

Aspiring hottie moms don't.

I've been struggling with this "let's buy a minivan" idea for few months now.

"Matthew, I just don't think I want a minivan," I stated yesterday at the dinner table. I have been thinking worrying about it a lot lately.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Cause...it's just not cool." I replied while picturing some sleek-looking SUV's I spotted in traffic on the way to work that morning.

"Tell me," he said, "Do you think you're cool?"

I stopped.

Oh no. I guess I'm not.

Oh no! I've been found out! I'm just not cool! I mean, I've always wanted to be. But doesn't that mean that you're not cool if you're always dreaming about being cool??

I laughed nervously, "No. Heh heh...I guess I'm not."

"Who in your circle of friends is the coolest person you know?" he asked.

I was drawing blanks. Nobody came to mind. The few that did were in the same boat I was. Wanting to be cool, but they're moms, so they really can't be cause life is crazy with kids.

I thought harder about it.

In my life, all I do is work and clean. There's nothing else that I really do. In fact, I don't think I really have alot of friends. And that fact alone confirms --

I'm not cool!

"I guess I don't really have a lot of friends."

My husband got a twinkle in his eye, shrugged his shoulders, and got up and walked away.

He left me thinking, "How did my life come to this? Because I LOSE in the cool department, I have to drive a mom-jean minivan for the rest of my life???"

Slippy Toots

2010-05-04T12:37:00.001-05:00

Farting is completely unacceptable. Women should never do it. It's just not a part of our makeup.

Men, I can try to tell you to never do it, but I don't think you're going to listen. You're freak-nasty. So go for it. Just not around us.

Tooting, however, is completely acceptable. In fact, it's downright hilarious.

Yesterday, my daughter tooted in the bathtub. She paused, held her breath, and let it rip. Bubbles came to the surface. She looked at me. And we bust out laughing. Hard. For ten minutes. Bucky just sat there starting at us, wondering what he missed.

I will never be a mother who discourages her children from tooting. If it doesn't smell, go for it! Nothing makes me laugh harder than my daughter letting one rip.

My son has yet to show any promise in that department.

I will toot on occassion as well. It gains my daughter's approval and makes our home life much more exciting.

Last week, my sister and her husband came over for dinner. So there I was, in the kitchen preparing the meal. I completely forgot they were sitting in the next room, and BAM! I let a little toot slip.

It was a small little toot. Nothing big. And certainly not smelly. But when I looked up ready to exchange high fives with my daughter, I caught the stare of my older pregnant sister.

"Yes, we heard that!" My sister shouted from the couch.

I'm sure I looked like a deer in headlights. I forgot they were in the next room.

Dang it! Offense #1.

So then yesterday, my daughter crept in our bedroom in the early morning hours.

She thought she was ready to wake up for the day. Matt thought she could sleep some more.

So we all laid there until she fell asleep again. Then I quietly got up and tiptoed to the bathroom. I shut the door, flipped on the lights, and quietly prepared for the day ahead.

Not ten minutes into it, I completely forget that my daughter is sleeping in the next room and Prrrnnt! I let a toot fly.

This one was much more melodious than last week's. It may or may not have something to do with the echo effect in the shower stall.

"Dad?!" I heard my daughter's voice perk up from the next room.

Oh no! I had done it again! And it woke my daughter up!

Offense #2.

Tooting is hilarious. Just try to keep it private. People get offended at things like that.

Springtime Photos

2010-05-03T09:14:00.001-05:00

Even though I've been crazy at work, I have been making sure to spend time with my kids.

They are my world.

I love this baby.

He has the best facial expressions. Don't you think?

And I love this little girl.

I'm so glad he's walking now. Aren't his pudgy little legs so cute?

Messy shirty. Scrumptious cheeks.

"Hey, there, Autumn. Whatchu got?"

"Autumn, if I could just take one look at that just for one second..."

"Bucky, please don't touch my bucket."

Can you believe she drew this heart???

Just kidding. I drew it.

But doesn't she fill it in so nicely?

Very precise, this little girl. She gets that sand in just the right spot.

And here's my favorite shot. My babies playing together nicely.

Ok, playing together lasted for about 2 seconds. Then they're off to do something else.

Here's my attempt to get my children to sit down and smile for the camera.

Notice Michael walking away from the opportunity.

"Sheeeeese!" He came back.

This is my second attempt. They both get up.

Thanks, guys.

And then at this point, I thought, whatever. They aren't gonna give me a pose. Let's get them marching around the little tree. With my chess-like shadow in the shot. (???)

I grab the one kid. Cheese!

Ok, I guess he wasn't looking and the little girl was. Go figure.

Life is wonderful, isn't it?

The Transporter #2

2010-04-30T11:28:00.001-05:00

My children have become Mother Maid's worst nightmare.

They transport things EVERYWHERE they go. Case in point, above picture.

Michael is holding a bottle of lotion that he retrieved from the upstairs bathroom under the sink.

Here he is standing in the kitchen. There is no place for lotion in the kitchen. Especially travel size baby lotion.

He is officially my Transporter #2.

Last year, I posted about my Transporter #1. She is still guilty of transporting. Everything.

She focuses primarily on kitchen supplies, dogs, cats, babies, and blankets.

Dear God, help me. Thank you.

But back to my Transporter #2. He transports cars, dollhouse furniture, kitchen supplies, bathroom supplies, cleaning supplies, cheese, and toast.

"Michael, where are you going with a bottle of Windex?"

Here's his tough guy pose. "Whuh? You gotta proh-lem??"

"Yes, I do have a problem, dear son of mine. Where exactly are you going with that bottle of Windex? Hmmm???"

"Heh, heh. Yeah, Mom, I meant to tell you about that..."

"Um, I'm just going to take it over here..."

"Uh, no you're not. Michael, Mommy needs that back. That's highly toxic or something...

Either way, you can't have it. It belongs under the kitchen sink."

Then he walks away with it pretending he didn't hear me.

For any of you readers with older children, please share. When does the transporting stop? A year? Five years? Please tell me. Please. I'm going crazy. Half of my day on Saturday is spent putting toys and various knick knacks AWAY...

Motherhood

2010-04-28T22:31:00.000-05:00

When does it get easier? This thing called Motherhood?

When does it become the one thing that truly defines me? The one thing that I embrace?

When does it become...just

W H O I A M ?

I find myself still realizing that I'm a mother sometimes.

The only time it comes completely natural to me is when my cup runneth over.

When my love for my children just overtakes me...and I'm smitten. I'm in Love.

All I want is their affection. Their love. Their confidence that, if they don't know anything else in this world, the one thing that they do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that their mother loves them like crazy.

With everything I have and everything I am.

But what about those other times? The times I am still figuring out my own life?

In those times, I forget that I'm their mother. I sometimes even forget that I'm a wife.

Instead, all I'm focused on is...ME.

Who am I? What do I like?

If no husband or children were even in the picture, what would I do? Who would I be?

Would I have the same occupation or interests?

Would I live a more exotic or exciting life?

Would I care more about my health? Or more about fitness?

Would I be thinner?

Would I be more creative?

Would I care more about beauty?

Would I keep a cleaner house?

Would I paint the walls a different color?

The weird thing is, that, as a mother, I feel guilty when I realize I've been thinking about Me. I feel like I need to only be thinking about them. My children. My husband.

For some reason, there's a thread that runs through me that wishes I was completely selfless and feel completely at home or comfortable with the fact that, first and foremost, I am a mother.

Like being a mother is what should define me.

But the truth is, I still look at myself as Me. I wake up shocked that I'm a mother sometimes--with two children's lives who are depending on Me to show them the way. To show them how to love and trust and respect and obey and be wise and kind and generous and to take risks and go after their passion in life.

That's a lot of pressure when I still don't have it all figured out myself. I might be somewhat distracted until I do.

I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

Loving them like crazy, and hoping they don't notice that I don't have the rest of it down just yet.

Gosh, I love this kid!

2010-04-27T21:36:00.000-05:00

For two days, I was gone on a trip.

I went to Ohio to visit my work team peeps. Good times, good times.

But I missed my family. Like crazy.

When I got home, this kid RAN up to me and just kept diving into my lap.

It was the best.

I could tell he missed me like crazy. He couldn't get enough of me. I'd try to go and say hi to Autumn, who was "making a milkshake for me" (i.e. stacking toys in a tall cup). But he wouldn't let me.

I was sitting on the floor and he would just dive-bomb into me laughing and smiling and giggling. He would dig his head into my shoulder and just go "Aaaaahh!" while he flipped over in my lap begging me to tickle him.

We carried on like that for like 25 minutes.

He is so freaking cute. I love him.

So I went up to Autumn and was like, "Autumn, I want to kiss you, but I am going to go read books to Buck first. Then I'll be right down to kiss you, ok?"

"Ok, Mom. I'll make you a mickshake."

"Ok." I turned to Buck. "Bucky, do you want to go read books?"

Bucky got a big smile on his face, stood up, and walked towards the stairs. He knows that book time is Mommy time. He gets me all to himself.

I love being home.

My Life Right Now

2010-04-22T19:42:00.002-05:00

There are times in my life when everything is going really well. And I think to myself, "Wow. I really don't have any stress in my life."

But lately, stress has been swallowing me whole.

Apparently having one direct report at work turns your life upside down and makes you busier than you have EVER been before in your entire life.

Is that what happens? Once you're a "hot shot" manager, you get paid the Big Bucks (cough cough), and, Oh yeah, by the way, we're going to take your life away?

Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.

But seriously, training this new employee has taken a lot out of me for some reason. It has made me feel drained. Like I train all day, and still have all my work left to do at the end of the day.

I have far less time to be with my children, blog, or exercise.

I know the exercise part sounds like an excuse, but it's true.

Guess what?

Last week, I celebrated my birthday.

29 1/2

Ok, so it's my half birthday.

But I thought to myself, "How awesome would it be if I could lose 60lbs in 6 months? That's such a fun goal!" I was so motivated.

So I worked out. Ate right. Starved myself of snacks. The whole 9 yards.

For 3 days.

Then, I don't know what happened. I stopped.

But whatever happened, it was a good excuse. I don't remember why. I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I had an injury. Or an early meeting. Or both.

Is this all because I went on vacation? Do you ever need a vacation after your vacation?

I think I need to go back to Disney World. Like right now.

Yesterday.

I never knew how much I needed you, Disney, until I walked away. "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got till it's gone..."

Yeah, I need to go back. (Erin, I have drunken your Koolaid, girl. I'm officially a member of the Disney Vacation FAN CLUB. I have to go back.)

It's just that good.

And my family will be along for the ride.

Anyhoo, I have a quickie business trip to go on from Sunday through Tuesday. Then I get back and do a day of sales rep orientation. Then, hopefully after that, I can breathe again.

I hope.

Then maybe I can regain consciousness and try try again on my diet. I want to get back into the skinny skinnier jeans I got into in October.

Did I also mention that our car broke down and Matt and I had to drive eachother and kids everywhere for 3 days while it was being repaired?

We originally thought we'd have to buy another car, so I'm glad we didn't have to buy a new one. I wasn't ready to get rid of Old Faithful just yet.

But driving Matt to and from work, added on to all the driving I already do, was very crazy stressful.

So, all this to say, I have been stressed lately. I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while.

I'm sorry when I do blog, it's kinda stupid and A.D.D.

But I will come back. I will write again. And I will be fun and carefree.

I just need to get back on track and chill for a sec.

And stop eating 3 large chocolate chip cookies from Pot Belly in one day.

Recipe for Success

2010-04-12T06:37:00.001-05:00

First, take a small pillow and lay it against your stomach just below your belly button.

Then grab two round loaves of Hawaiian bread and glue them to your rear end.

Next, hang two bananas length-wise from each tricep, like a pair of hammocks.

Then, take two pancakes and place them against each cheek.

Add some play dough underneath your chin.

Now cover your back with a half sheet birthday cake. Make it a little lumpy.

Add two water balloons onto your hips.

Wrap each leg with a comforter. Top to bottom. Don't miss a spot. Secure it with duct tape.

Now, that's EXACTLY what it feels like to be fat.

Don't you feel good?

Don't mind me...I'm just mentally preparing my myself to start another diet.

Under the Boardwalk

2010-04-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

This picture is exactly what it looked like.

The Disney Boardwalk.

Mmmm...

I miss it. I want to go back.

This was by far one of the coolest things we did on our vacation.

It was our second night there. The kids woke up from their nap. We wanted a bite to eat. So off we went.

The Disney Boardwalk is modeled after the 1920's Atlantic City type boardwalk. And it just happens to be the perfect setting for a hot date right out of my dreams.

The night we were there, we had the two kids in strollers. It was a pretty chilly night for Florida, so we were all bundled up in our long-sleeved shirts and sweatshirts and jeans.

When we arrived, we walked through the Disney Boardwalk Hotel.

It's pristine. It's as pristine as this picture makes it out to be.

And they let us walk through it with our strollers.

And GAWK.

Matt had to use the bathroom, and while we were waiting, the kids and I found these.

They were these cool old picture reels you could look into. One was broken, but the other one worked. You had to use the crank on the side.

Autumn said, "There's a man in there!" when she watched the "movie". She thought he lived in there.

The whole time we were walking through the hotel, Matt and I kept saying to each other, "Wow. Next time, we gotta stay here."

When we got to the restaurant, the sun had pretty much set. So we found this outdoor restaurant (even though it was cold) and we got ourselves a table.

Autumn and Matt colored. But Bucky and I played on the Boardwalk.

It was perfect.

We could still see Autumn and Matt, and they could see us. But my curious little toddler could wander to his heart's desire, and I could let him.

A mother's dream.

There's a fence next to the water. No cars. And very few pedestrians to sneak up on.

Perfect. Go for it, Buck.

He found a funnel cake cart, some people riding a 4-person bicycle cart thingy, and some arcade games.

After our dinner, Matt decided to play one of those games. He whipped out $20 (like he was big money) and requested 25 lobsters to fling into a pot of boiling water.

It was awesome.

The kids and I were cheering him on. Every time he got one in, we screamed, "Go Dad!" and whenever he missed, we did a loud, "Aaawwww!"

A crowd gathered. We had fun.

In the end, he won a duck and fish. (Bucky sleeps with them now.)

It was 8:30 by then, but the kids weren't tired. So we kept exploring.

We came across a street (Boardwalk?) performer. He was a mime and he made us laugh. He made the kids laugh too. He juggled, spit water, threw things into the crowd.

I looked around a few times at the crowd and saw kids as young as ours, teenagers, parents, grandparents. People of all ages standing around and enjoying a night out.

I couldn't believe our kids weren't screaming tired.

We explored a little further. Peeked in a bakery. Window shopped at a sweet shop.

Finally, we called it a night, and decided to head back to the car.

We started jogging with the strollers, and then it turned into a running race. The kids were shrieking with laughter and Matt and I had cold noses from running so fast. I'm pretty sure Matt won, just cause I let him.

It was a memorable night at the Boardwalk. And I want to go back.

There's a Troll in my Closet!

2010-04-02T07:27:00.024-05:00

A coworker of mine hung up the phone and rubbed her temples. She had been talking to her son.

Her son is 22. He's mentally handicapped. And they are going through a trial period right now.

He gets to stay in his own apartment, and she gets to cross her fingers and hope nothing goes wrong.

Here they were on Day 5 and she's already gotten phone calls.

"Mom! You need to come quick! There is a TROLL in my closet!"

"What?! What are you talking about, John? There is no such thing as a troll!"

"Well, yes there is because he's in my closet RIGHT NOW!"

"John, I am at work right now. You need to deal with this on your own. I will stop by after work."

"But, MOM! I am not JOKING with you! There is one here!"

"John, I will stop by after work and take a look. And you will find that there is nothing in there. Goodbye."

That was call #1.

The phone rings 40 minutes later. Call #2.

"Mom, the troll is calling my name! He knows my name! How does he know what my name is?!"

"John, did you tell him your name?"

"Yes."

"Then that's probably how he knows your name. I have to go. Goodbye."

Call #3 ten minutes later.

"Mom! You need to come RIGHT NOW! The troll is BANGING! He's banging on the closet doors! He wants to come out and get me!" She hears him panting. Her son is really worked up.

"John, how did the troll get in your closet?"

"Mom, I don't have time to talk about this with you right now. You need to come quick!" He hangs up the phone.

She sighs. This is going to be a long day.

No calls for 2 hours. Then phone call #4.

"Mom, WHY AREN'T YOU HERE YET???"

"John, I already told you. I am at work right now. Go make yourself some lunch. Settle down. Watch some TV. I'll be there right after work."

"Ok, Mom, but Ellen isn't on yet."

"I know, honey. Just go find something else to watch, ok?"

"Well, what should I do about the TROLL?"

"John, just ignore the troll. He'll go away."

"Mom, you have to come here."

"I will. Now go make a sandwich."

"Ok, but I'm going to have salami instead."

"Ok. Go eat your salami."

Three more phone calls over the next three hours.

The Troll was trying to get the salami. He was banging and yelling. He was hungry.

The Troll wanted to watch Ellen.

Call #8 came at 4:00.

"MOM! Why aren't you HERE yet?!?! The TROLL is doing Kung Fu! He's going to get me with a hanger!"

"John, what are you talking about?! There is no such thing as a troll! There is nothing in your closet!"

"MOM! Yes there is! I saw the evidence!"

"What evidence?"

"The hanger was moving under the door! I saw it!"

"Ok, I'm almost done with work. I'm coming now."

"Mom, are you coming now?"

"Yes, John. I'm coming now."

She hangs up the phone.

"I'm leaving."

"Got it." I said.

She goes to his apartment. He answers the door. His glasses are crooked on his face. His apartment is a mess. There are chairs, a bookcase, and a coat rack set up against the closet door. He's panting.

"John, what is going on?? Are you ok?"

"Yes." He gulps. "The Troll is over there." He gestures to the closet, but can't even look at it. He just hangs his head out of exhaustion.

After seeing the state of the apartment, my coworker gets nervous. Maybe there actually is something in there.

She starts pulling the chairs away as she calls out, "Hello?"

"Hello?" A response.

"Oh my gosh! Someone really is in there?!?" She looks incredulously at her son.

She frantically pulls the furniture away, opens the closet door, and...

Finds a midget. With spiked hair. In a Christian T-shirt. Holding a Bible.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?"

I live in the apartment upstairs. I came down to welcome John to the building and share the message of Jesus Christ.

My coworker's shocked gaze made it's way over to her son.

"I opened the door and when I saw the Troll, I grabbed him and threw him in my closet!" He responded. Then John catches the troll looking at him. "He can't get me!" and he hides behind his mom.

My coworker apologized profusely to the Troll, and the hungry little man agreed to not press any charges.

John is still living at his apartment. He has agreed not to lock any more trolls in his closet.

John and the Troll have since become very good friends.

The Troll gives John a ride to church. John shares his salami with the Troll. And they watch Ellen together.

The End.

Happy Birthday, Autumn!

2010-03-30T19:51:00.000-05:00

This beautiful girl just celebrated her 3rd birthday.

I love you, my baby.

I can't believe how much you've grown in the last year. How much you've learned. How much you talk!

You make me smile and laugh every day.

I love you sooooo much. You are so so SO beautiful and the love of my life.

May you never ever forget that I love you.

So. Much.

Love,
Mom

Congratulations, Heather and Jared!

2010-03-26T23:21:00.004-05:00

Dear Heather and Jared,

I am so excited you are having a BOY!!! I can't wait to meet my new little nephew! He's gonna be REAL cute!

Now, I just want to warn you. After he's born, you might feel a little like this:

So I promise I'll come over and take care of him so you can get some rest. I will save some of my vacations days, just so I can change his icky diaper and feed him and burp him and LET YOU SLEEP.

But you better be careful! When you're not looking, I might snap some funny pictures of him and it just might look a little somethin' like this:

And there's something else you should know. Your baby may have a silly streak in him. One day, he may give you a face like this:

And he may also be naughty. He may demonstrate the injustice of the world by doing this:

And he may also gross you out surprise you by doing this:

But mostly, he's going to be the coolest kid EVER.

And the BIGGEST blessing your life has ever seen.

(Heather, on the day you found out you were PG.)

I can't WAIT to be a part of your life as parents!

Love you guys!! XOXO

Love,
Auntie Heidi

Na-Nee-Noo-Nee! So excited to meet the little punkin!!!

Glasses

2010-03-23T16:18:00.000-05:00

I got my first pair of Sally Jesse Raphael's in the third grade.

My friend Summer had just gotten her first pair, so I told my mother I needed a pair too.

I thought I would have to lie in order to get them, but it turns out that my eyesight was as bad as my dad's.

I was as blind as a bat.

It didn't take long before I hated my glasses. I looked nerdy.

And of course, Summer had moved on to wearing contacts by the fifth grade, and therefore, on to the popular crowd, leaving me alone in the "I am nerdy because I wear glasses" group for the next three years.

I received my first pair of contacts at the end of 8th grade. AFTER cheerleading season. \

(Ever seen a cute cheerleader wearing glasses? Neither have I.)

They were gas permeables--because that's what my dad ordered for me. I didn't know why my contacts were hard and Summer's were soft. But I do know that those suckers could fling out of my eyes at any second if I was walking outside in a brisk wind, or if my gym teacher was yelling too loudly.

Either way, once I switched to contacts I never looked back. I only used my glasses at night after taking my contacts out.

Recently, my doctor said my poor eyes needed a break. Nowadays, I wear my contacts overnight and I never take them out to wash them. I also wear them for up to 2 months before I switch them out. Yikes!

She said I was lucky I didn't get an infection or something like that.

So I ordered glasses to give my eyes a break. Today is the first day I'm wearing them.

I think they are pretty cute glasses, but I already have a headache and I just want to rip them off of my nose. Anybody else have this problem?

Along with ordering glasses, I also ordered a set of colored contacts to try out. They are aquamarine. Which means my eyes are electric TEAL.

Yeah. I'll let you know how that goes...

Shopaholic? Me?

2010-03-22T12:27:00.001-05:00

Minus the coffee and the dog, this was me yesterday.

I had the jeans, the flats, the long coat. And yes, my hair did look that good. I actually had time to round brush it AND curl it. I felt pretty snazzy.

The family is feeling better and we are getting used to our old schedule again. Up to our old tricks--planning a last-minute birthday party for Autumn and trying to figure out what we need to start decorating our living room. Now that the bedroom is done--looking and feeling fabulous! (Picture me with my hand flipping down as I say that.)

So yesterday I had a coupon for 30% off at Gap, Banana Republic, or Old Navy. I HAD to use it. I mean, is there anywhere else to shop? Those stores rock my world.

The kids went down for a nap and I went out shopping.

I decided to go up to Pleasant Prairie Outlets, but the place was jam-PACKED. It took me 20 minutes to park. So I checked out Nine West first since it was closest. No luck. I already had everything! (Insert wrist flick with a hoity-toity laugh here).

Next, may as well see if Ann Taylor has anything since I went to Banana Republic right before vacation.

And...HUGE SALE!!!

Wahooo!!

I didn't want to spend too much time there, so I grabbed 6 tops that looked like they had potential and tried them all on. Two were perfect. The other four not so much. Except one of them. It was just too big. Let's go grab the next size down.

I did. It was perfect. Yay!!!

So what did I score? A new bright green (think Leprachaun) V-neck sweater with rouching around the V (so not me--but the color is so pretty I had to step out and try something new), a brown elbow-length cowl neck sweater, and a teal (matches my eyes!), soft kimono-inspired top.

ALL 3 tops were under $20 each. NICE.

AND the cowl neck sweater actually had a good cowl neck--we're talking plenty of material. I have always loved cowl-neck sweaters, but most of the ones I try on have insufficient material on the neck which makes it look terrible. Like a flip-up cowl neck, which defeats the purpose.

Then I went to Old Navy. I found 4 pairs of jeans for the kids, 2 shirts for Michael, and a dress shirt and a new bathing suit for Matt. (Not to be worn together, Matt.)

All pieces together with my 30% off coupon were $55. Hello! Great deal!

I'm not sure what the mall was celebrating yesterday, and why everything seemed to be on sale, but I was glad I showed up! I found something for everyone in my family.

I love finding sales...

P.S. Totally wore the green sweater to work. Totally already got a compliment. NICE.

The Emergency Room

2010-03-17T20:03:00.033-05:00

On Wednesday morning, we wake up. Autumn declares her tummy hurts. Hmmm.

We decide we are going to go the Animal Kingdom and I start to get ready. I'm in the bathroom and Autumn walks in holding her mouth with bug eyes.

"Autumn, you ok?"

She barfs. THRICE.

I look down at my wet feet. They are covered in chunks of partially digested milk. Gross.

Then I look over at Matt. He gasps and points to Michael around the corner. I peek my head around the corner and see Michael holding a bottle of Advil PM. It's opened and he's choking.

He coughs and clears his throat smiling at me.

"Buck!" I grab the bottle and look at Matt wide-eyed.

One of us asked out loud, "What do we do?" So I take action.

Ok, the bottle comes with 20 pills. I had 2 the last 3 nights. Matt had 2 last night. That makes 8. There are seven left.

HOLY CRAP. OUR KID JUST ATE 5 PILLS.

"Go give Autumn a bath. I'll call the pediatrician." I instruct Matt. He grabs the barfing lady and exits to the other bathroom.

I call the pediatrician who instructs me to hang up immediately and dial 911.

I get 911. They send out an ambulance (Is that absolutely necessary???) to our condo. Meanwhile, they are trying to get Poison Control on the phone. Poison Control finally answers and tries to tell me that they don't know a 14-month old on earth who would swallow those pills whole.

Since the pills were blue, was there any sign of blue in his mouth or on his shirt?

NO. But lady, I heard him choking.

She's trying to tell me that she thinks we don't know what we are talking about. I'm trying to talk over her asking her to tell me what to look out for if he did.

Then I walk over to the other bathroom. I see Matt without a shirt on and I mouth, "Get dressed. The ambulance is on it's way."

He looks at me with wide eyes, like "What the heck did you just do???"

Ten seconds later, a knock at the door. Eleven people walk in. Some ambulance guys. Some security guys from the time share association. And the local bum came in as well.

Anyhoo, 911 is talking to me on the phone, 2 different guys are standing in front of me with clipboards asking for our personal information, I have a naked kid in the bath with the door open and I'm trying to watch Matt hold Bucky while he's screaming cause he doesn't know why the local bum and 10 other guys are all in our living room hovering over him.

Eventually I am able to give everyone the information they need. Matt and I switch kids. I hop on the stretcher holding Bucky (first time on a stretcher--was it absolutely necessary???) and I'm calling to Matt behind me to follow us in the van.

We arrive at the ER. The nurse gives me a blank stare as she asks for "the story". Meanwhile, I'm starting to get the feeling they are sizing me up to see if I'm a bad mom who tried to give this to my kid.

Ten minutes later, Autumn and Matt walk in with wristbands on. Autumn is crying. I look at Matt with a puzzled look.

"She barfed in the car. She's got blue all over her shirt. It's in her teeth too."

SHUT UP. WE GOT THE WRONG KID.

The doctor wants to be careful. Let's xray them both. We want to be able to see the pills.

I think she's crazy. It's been over an hour. The pills are digested.

I suggest we refuse treatment. He seems fine. He's not falling asleep. She barfed. It should be out of her system. The nurse responds, "You're already being billed for both kids. You may as well take the careful route and get the xrays done."

We get the X-rays taken against their will.

FIVE HOURS LATER, we are released.

Michael swallowed one pill. It's in his colon. He doesn't seem to care.

AUTUMN HAD THE OTHER FOUR.

Thankfully, she barfed them all up. I guess blue candy called IBUPROFEN doesn't taste that good.

That could be the end of my story. But oh, I have more.

Wednesday, my throat was on FIRE. I had the worst sore throat ever. I walked around Animal Kingdom demanding ice cream every half hour. We left shortly after lunch. (An ice cream lunch.)

By that evening, I was sneezing and pretty much deadly ill.

Friday, on our way back to the airport, Autumn barfs 8 times. In the VAN. She also goes diarrhea IN HER PANTS on the airplane.

And sits on it the whole way home. (No smell = no indication to her parents.) Yummy.

Saturday, Bucky wakes up sick from me. He's wandering around the house with a sore throat and a runny nose. Whining.

Sunday, we all wake up sick. We barf together. I've never felt so queasy in my entire adult life. It hit Matt the worst. What was especially great was that he wanted to tell me all about his barfing episode every time he had one. Which made me feel even more queasy. I had to yell at him to stop.

Finally, he quarantined himself upstairs and me in all my queasiness had to clean up the kids barf the rest of the day.

The barfing episode ending with Autumn performing her final barf. IN OUR BED.

The End.

Disney World Part 6 - Our Rainy Last Day, And Night

2010-03-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

Disney World Part 5 - The Emergency Room and a little bit of Epcot

2010-03-15T16:23:00.000-05:00

Disney World Part 4 - Cinderella's Royal Table

2010-03-15T16:12:00.000-05:00

Disney World Part 3 - Animal Kingdom

2010-03-15T15:41:00.000-05:00

Disney World Part 2 - Hollywood Studios

2010-03-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

Disney World Part 1 - The Magic Kingdom

2010-03-15T15:08:00.000-05:00

A Blog That Describes Me

2010-03-13T15:32:00.001-06:00

While on vacation, I finally had a chance to sit down at my computer, take a closer look at my blog layout, and realize I hate it.

Well, ok. I guess I don't hate it. But it really isn't me.

Not that this new one is either. But at least it's different than the country roses I had before. I need a change.

I would love to have a blog designed just for me, but I have no idea how to go about doing that. Any ideas?

More importantly, what would it look like? Who am I? What colors do I like? What would I include in my blog layout?

All these questions, and more, are flying around in my head.